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GRE argument writing issue - censoring internet at workplace


JayR 1 / 1  
Sep 22, 2016   #1
The vice president for human resources at Climpson Industries sent the following recommendation to the company's president.
...
Write a response in which you discuss what specific evidence is needed to evaluate the argument and explain how the evidence would weaken or strengthen the argument.


In this memorandum, the author argues that Climpson Industries should impelement electronic tools for monitoring employees' internet use to improve productivity. Although the argument may seem convincing at first, the lack of evidence made me doubt the validity of the argument.

First, the author needs to provide solid evidence whether it is possible to tell which activies are for personal/recreational purpose or not by monitoring. It is also likely that the employees visit websites, even though they don't look relative with the work, to get some information for their duties at work. Also it is possible that they just visit shopping sites to buy something needed in the office.

Furthermore, the author needs to supplement the argument with concrete evidence that shows the time used for internet is the main reason for derease of productivity. The author believes that the longer the employee works, the productivity would be higher. But there are many know research results that shows the productivity would be increased when the worker is given some time for refreshing during worktime. Also, there are many other factors affecting productivity, like time-consuming meetings and unfavorable work atmosphere that the monitoring would make.

Lastly, more specific evidence should be shown to prove the adopting monitoring will bring the profic as suggested. To monitor the internet use, Climps Industries needs to buy the tool and hgher new employee to manage the tool and monitor the employees' internet use. It could be possible that the expenses overweigh the income which is expected with monitoring. Without taking into consideration the cost for the tool and salary to new employee, the author cannot deduce that Climps will profit by monitoring the employees' internet use. Thus, we cannot take the conclusion that profit would increase at face value.

In summary, the author's conclusion is unconvinsing. To strengthen the argument, the author needs to rule out other factors that can influence the productivity and give more verified information on the cost and projected expectation income with adopting the monitoring process.
hanachi 3 / 9 2  
Sep 22, 2016   #2
hallo, JayR
i have corrected your writing, and i have suggestions

1. at this sentence: "But there is many people know about the research results that showed the productivity"

2. at this sentence: "is the main reason for dec rease of productivity"

3. at this sentence: "will bring the profit as suggested. To monitor the internet use, Cla mps Industries needs to buy the tool and hi gher"

please check your writing before you posting it, due to the fact that it can be fateful, cause resulted different meaning.

thank you, wish it useful. keep writing ^^
OP JayR 1 / 1  
Sep 22, 2016   #3
I am so embarrassed there are so many misspelled words. (Actually I wrote this one in haste with mobile). Thanks for your kind feedback :)
andika08 81 / 80 16  
Sep 26, 2016   #4
Hello
You have a good summary
I have some corrections

... Climpson Industries should be impelement electronic tools ...
Although, the argument may seem convincing ...

Also thus, it is possible that they just ...

... concrete evidence.that It shows the time ...
... that the longer the employee works, the ...
But Therefore, there are many know research ...
Also Thus, there are (...) affecting productivity, like which are time-consuming (...) monitoring would make be made.

... the adopting monitoring will be broughtbring the profic as suggested.
... buy the tool and hgher higher new employee to ...
... that the expenses overweightthatthe income.which It is expected with monitoring.
... deduce that Climps will beprofit by monitoring ...

You can added introduction and conclucion in the first and last paragraph.
you can change the repeated words with the similar words.


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