Hi,
I would like a feedback regarding my essay; grammar-wise, vocabulary, context addressed, logical flow, and analytical writing. Other aspects regarding GRE essay are also very welcome :)
Vitamin a in the millet
Question
An international development organization, in response to a vitamin A deficiency among people in the impoverished nation of Tagus, has engineered a new breed of millet high in vitamin A. While seeds for this new type of millet cost more, farmers will be paid subsidies for farming the new variety of millet. Since millet is already a staple food in Tagus, people will readily adopt the new variety. To combat vitamin A deficiency, the government of Tagus should do everything it can to promote this new type of millet.
Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered to decide whether the recommendation is likely to have the predicted result. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.
Response
Responding to vitamin A deficiency among people who reside in Tagus, an international development organization invented a new breed of millet rich with vitamin A. However, it is unclear why people in Tagush have vitamin A deficiency. As a matter of fact, the argument stated that Tagush is an impoverished nation. Considering this, there is a possibility that the people of Tagush simply cannot afford food, especially food containing vitamin A. With this in mind, we need to know the reason of vitamin A deficiency in Tagush. If the answer is that food containing vitamin A are rare and hardly accessible, then the introduction of the mentioned engineered millet will be a precise solution. On the other hand, if the answer is otherwise such as majority of Tagush people are poor, eventhough millets rich in vitamin A are provided the people cannot afford it.
Additionally, the organization plans to subsidize farmers in order to farm the new millet. The question is, how much is the amount of subsidies given? Is the subsidy enough to cover for the increased expenses caused by the new millet? Even if the subsidies are enough, it is not explained whether the millet can be farmed in Tagus. Furthermore, an answer is needed as whether there are land available and whether the farmers are willing to farm the millet. For example, if a farmer has limited land that are already planted by another crop, he must be willing to switch the crop for the millet. Unless these questions have clear answers, providing farmers with subsidies will not provide the expected outcome of farming the new millets.
The organization also assumes that because of millet being a staple food in Tagus, people will readily accept the engineered millet. This assumption is problematic. We do not know, is millet the only staple food in Tagus or are there any other kinds of staple food? If there exists other staple food, Tagus people may choose the other staple food rather than the new millet as they are more accustomed to it. Not only that, the other staple food may be preferred as the new millet is more expensive. Another question that needs to be answered, regardless of how many types of staple food exist in Tagus, is how does the new millet taste? Providing the taste is suitable for the tongues of Tagus people, the millet can be an instant hit. Conversely if the new millet tastes different, it will provide a challenge for the millet to be accepted in Tagus.
The international development organization has a noble purpose for engineering millet rich in vitamin A intended for people in Tagus. Although the intention is good, the inquiries stated above must be answered clearly. By having appropriate answers, the promotion of the millet as means to combat vitamin A deficiency by the government will be a convincing case.*I just have some feedbacks with respect to grammar of your writing.
- "Millet rich with Vitamin A" should be replaced by " Millet rich IN Vitamin A".
- You should check the name of the location. That's "Tagus" not "Tagush"_the one you mentioned in the writing.
- The sentence "if the answer is otherwise such as majority of Tagus people are poor" is fairly confusing for me. I can't get the grammatical point here.
- "Vitamin A ..." falls into some grammatical mistakes; This should be subsituted by "Vitamins A provided FOR people WHO can not afford".
- The phrase should become "whether there IS land available". Besies, "that are ..." should be become "that IS already planted by another crop" because "land" is uncountable.
- In the phrase "If there exists other staple food", the word "exist" is used wrongly because it functions as only an intransitive verb. So, I suppose that you need a change for this one.
- "how does the new millet taste?" should be turned into "how the new millet tastes" owing its position after "is". Also, you can keep the phras, but don't forget to put it in the quotation marks.
- I think you should put "a" right before "means" in the phrase " as means to combat Vitamin A...".
These are just some of my reviews on this one. Hopefully, this one does some wonders for your process.
