GRE Argument Essay: 'A recent study rating 300 male and female Mentian .....'

Hi, will be grateful if some can give a feedback / evaluate the following essay from the GRE pool:

#Essay Topic
"A recent study rating 300 male and female Mentian advertising executives according to the average number of hours they sleep per night showed an association between the amount of sleep the executives need and the success of their firms. Of the advertising firms studied, those whose executives reported needing no more than 6 hours of sleep per night had higher profit margins and faster growth. These results suggest that if a business wants to prosper, it should hire only people who need less than 6

hours of sleep per night."

#Instruction
Write a response in which you examine the stated and/or unstated assumptions of the argument. Be sure to explain how the argument depends on these assumptions and what the implications are for the argument if the assumptions prove unwarranted.

#Response
Based on the results of surveys conducted in certain advertisement agencies, the article concludes that there is a correlation between the numbers of hours the executives sleep and the success of the corresponding firms. The article further infers that hiring people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night, is necessary for a business to prosper. However, I find the argument specious at best, because it relies on a series of unproven and doubtful assumptions.

To begin with, the survey methodologies itself might be problematic on various aspects. In particular, we are not informed whether the survey responses were anonymous or even confidential. If they are not, the respondents might have provided responses that they believed their colleagues would appreciate, regardless of whether the response was truthful. In that case the survey results will be unreliable to draw any conclusions about the average hours of sleep, let alone whether there is association between number of sleep hours and success of the firm.

Even if the survey methodology is correct and its results are unbiased, it'd be unfair to draw any conclusion without considering the other factors that might contribute to the success of the advertising firms. It is entirely possible that all the advertising agencies with higher profit margin owe their success to a variety of other factors like competitive lower level workforce or better market situation. Without ruling out these other factors, the article can't convince me that the association between number of hours executives sleep and success of the firm, really portrays a casual relationship and not just a mere coincidence.

Moreover, the article can't justify coming to a conclusion about all the businesses, just on the basis of a study on 300 executives from a limited domain of advertisement firms. Even if we assume that there is a casual relation between number of hours executives sleep and success of the firms in advertising sector, it hardly proves that similar relations will be valid in a drastically different field of business. Perhaps, in a business of share brokerage the role of employee is minimal, regardless of the average number of hours he sleeps. Or perhaps the employee of a manufacturing business have a better capability to work if he sleeps for eight hour day. It also might be possible that the success of the considered advertisement agencies is only temporary, as their executives will be prone to physical maladies because of sleep deprivation. In such cases the article's recommendation to only hire people who need less than 6 hours of sleep per night, will amount to an extremely poor decision.

To strengthen the argument, the article should provide figures from studies that consider other important factors that might contribute to a firm's success, besides the numbers of hours its executives sleep. The studies should also consider executives from variety of other fields, in order to bolster the article's recommendations. In short, the argument of this article suffers from numerous flaws and dubious assumptions and is therefore unconvincing as it stands.

Please note that the use of a comma in this place is not actually correct, and I do not believe that it significantly aids with reading. I suggest that it be removed.


The only other possible error that comes to my mind is here. "The surgery methodologies itself": are you suggesting a use of a verb form of "methodologies" (which I don't think exists), or are you just referring to the plural form of the word. Regardless, I believe that is is quite //problematic//, suggesting;

the survey's methodologies may be problematic in various aspects

Please note possessive for "survey", or

the methodology of the survey may be problematic in various aspects or

the methodologies adapted in the survery may be problematic in various aspects

Otherwise, I believe the piece is gramatically sound. I cannot really judge on the analysis or suggest and aspects relating to the actual content...lol; however, I believe that the stated observations are well presented.

I hope this helps. And good luck!

ps. How old are you? What level education is this for?

Hi, thanks a lot for the help with grammar.. I am an undergraduate student preparing for GRE. The essay is a response for a topic in the GRE essay pool.

Oh cool; I wish you success. ...Yeah...I'm just in 9th grade at the moment...lol

Actually, this is grammatically accepted. "Survey" is a noun that modifies methodologies. Thus, 'survey' is a modifier.


John is also right. However, they're too lengthy, and therefore the most appropriate is 'survey methodologies'. :)