animals products are no longer necessities
In the modern world, people are no longer necessary to use food from animals or products from animals such as medicine and clothing. Agree or disagree?
It is often argued that thanks to the amazing advancements and breakthroughs in technology, there is no need to exploit animals in food, fashion and medical industry. I myself completely agree with this view.
There are several justifications for not using animals as a source of human food. Firstly, vegetarian food is increasingly attested to offer equal nutritious quality as meat and fish. For example, many types of nuts such as soya, beans, almonds, and etc. provide not only valuable fibre but also protein and lipid. Secondly, consuming a plant-based diet would significantly reduce the risk of life-threatening diseases such as obesity, diabetes, and etc. As a result, people's overall physical health would be greatly improved.
Moreover, people have recently invented efficient and powerful alternatives for animals in clothing and pharmaceutical industry. With regard to manufacturing garment products, instead of using skins and fur from animals, a myriad ranges of artificial fabrics have been created with even better quality. Clothing items made of these synthetic materials are cheaper to produce and easier to preserve than ones made of animals' skins. In terms of medical perspective, sophisticated and modern computer simulation software is increasingly applied in order to test the effects of certain types of treatment and medicine with better accuracy for a shorter period of time. As a result, it is no longer necessary to use animals in medicine or treatment testing.
In conclusion, food, fashion and medical products made of animals are no longer necessities due to the fact that they can be replaced by plant-based diets, synthesized fabrics and computer simulation programs.Hi, @hanhdth83
I have read your essay and I would like to have some comments on it.
1. You have addressed all parts of the task and presented a clear position throughout the response. Your ideas are OK and you know how to present, extend and support them with various examples. Keep up the good work!
Despite there being two paragraphs in the body, they both point at the same idea: There are better alternatives that can replace the use of animals. So you may need to work on some new ideas in order to make your essay more persuasive. Below are some links to other relevant ideas to this topic that you can refer to:
+ Animal testing: Pros and Cons: animal-testing.procon.org/
+ Should people become vegetarian?: vegetarian.procon.org/
2. As for Cohesion and Coherence, you know how to logically organise your ideas and use a range of connectors. The introduction is straightforward and covers the issue you are going to discuss. There are clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph, which are well-supported by the following ones. You also have a concluding sentence at the end of each paragraph, which is a great thing to do. The content is quite convincing and you are able to lead the readers to the point you want to make.
3. With regard to grammar, you are able to flexibly use of a variety of complex structures, although there are some inaccuracies. As for lexical resource, you know how to use a sufficient range of vocabulary to express your points of view clearly. Some collocations and uncommon words are also appropriately used in your response. However, there is still room for improvement and below are some suggested alternatives and corrections to the phrases/structures used in your prompt:
'It is often argued that thanks to technological advancements and breakthroughs, there is ... in the food, ...'
'... using animals as human food source'
'Firstly, ... increasingly proven/proved to offer equal nutritional value to/ offer as much nutritional value as meat and fish.'
'...l alternatives to animal use in the clothing and ...'
==> I suggest another way to improve this sentence: 'Moreover, there have recently been innovative non-animal alternatives/more effective alternatives that exclude/does not involve the use of animals in the clothing and pharmaceutical industry.'
'With regard to manufacturing garments, instead..., a myriad range of ...'
'... to preserve than the ones/those (made) of animal skins.'
'In terms of... From a medical perspective, sophisticated and modern ...'
@hanhdth83
Hi there! Given that you're new here, I welcome you to the forum! I hope you find all this feedback to be beneficial for your writing endeavors.
Firstly, be cautious of your usage of pauses (or lack thereof). Without these pauses, you end up having rather chunky run-on sentences that do not benefit your writing style's clarity. For instance, your first paragraph's last sentence should have had commas before and after the word myself to trigger an appropriate pause.
Try to also implement better and smoother transitions for your body paragraphs. You jumped from the manufacturing of garments to the medical perspective without having at least a linking line in between. Doing so would have helped readers to fully fathom why it's necessary to chunk both beside each other.
@barryha2705
Thank you very much for your comments. I would really appreciate them
