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Writing Task 2: art-based subject can improve students' performance in secondary school.

agus_mono 13 / 23 2  
Mar 28, 2017   #1
Some educationalist argue that non-exam, art-based subjects such as music, drama, art and craft, should be compulsory in the secondary-school curriculum. They believe that activities such as these can improve overall academic performance.

Art-Based Subjects and Student's Performance

Curriculum is the important aspect in educational system. Some educational experts believe that non-exam, art-based curriculum have to be applied in secondary schools because it can increase student's performance in the class. Others, however, believe that non-scientific subject such as music, drama, art, and craft only improve student's art skills. In this case, I strongly claim that art-based curriculum in secondary school is very useful in increasing student's useful skills and their academic performance.

To begin with, the art-based subjects teach several vital skills for students such as confidence, team work and leadership. Firstly, art subject like singing, forces student to have good confidence. They must sing in front of others and show their voice. Secondly, taking drama as instance, pupils have to interact with each other to conduct a role well, so that it builds their social skill. After they involve in team work, their leadership skill is also gradually developed. So that, it is clear that pupil's skills are increased by art-based subject.

Furthermore, the improving of their skills supports on their performance in learning. Art-based subject contain many activities which cover all student learning style; for example, Painting covers visual learning-style, kinesthetic style is covered by dancing, and singing can cover the student who is auditory. D' Potter, an educational expert launching his quantum teaching method in 2001, succeeded on improving student academic performance. His method developed by art method such as dancing before learning, using colour in remembering theory. Moreover, his experimented result showed that student motivation is improved by 80%.

Taking everything into consideration, i totally agree that art-based subject more effectively in supporting student on getting optimal performance in school rather than scientific subject. Student predominant social skills will be improved and it is helpful for them in their future. In my view, teacher should apply learning method which cover student's learning style
Maitouyen282 9 / 26 3  
Mar 28, 2017   #2
Hi! your grammar is serious problem that you should pay attention to. For example, in this essay do not use another tense beside present tense because what you are doing is discussing the Curriculum. Secondly, I think you should not bring some social barely evidence, because when you are taking the test maybe you do not know that and no exam is similar so try to find something that similar to life such as the result or something else.

Thirdly, i do not see your conclusion i think in this kind of this essay you should have 1 paragraph for you oppinion and 1 for conclusion , it will help your score. Try to find some connection betewn for body and your overview. some words you should try to find
yuukinohan4 9 / 24 6  
Mar 28, 2017   #3
hi @agus_mono
I have read your whole essay and these are my suggestions.
In your introduction, you also are able to introduce briefly regarding your the idea that you want to present as an illustration to readers.
Your first body paragraph, avoid to put 'so' as the opener sentence.

So that, it is clear that pupil's skills are increased by art-based subject.

You can replace it using 'as a result' or 'thus' because such sentence is a concluding idea.
The second body paragraph needs a closing statement to emphasize your idea that art-based subjects highly influence students' performance.
Your conclusion

performance in school rather than scientific subject.

you never explained scientific subject or compared it to art-based subjects so that you may not say it. You are able to highly paraphrase your thesis statement plus main ideas of your essay.

Keep writing~

hope it helps you
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,692 3498  
Mar 29, 2017   #4
Agus , this essay is good when you consider that you successfully represented the prompt requirements in your opening statement. You remembered to represent your opinion at the end of the statement, which created a thorough outline for the discussion of our essay. Make sure that you understand the terms that you are using in the essay in the correct manner. For example, when you refer to singing, that refers to music and not art. By referring to singing as an art, which is partially correct, you misrepresent the category that the talent belongs to. Another important thing that you have to take note of is that you should only use personal knowledge and experience in defending your stand. Never use researched information like you did now because during the actual test, you will not have access to a live internet connection. All computers will be LAN connected only. So if you rely on researched information during your practice tests, you will be lost and possible fail the test when you lose internet access. The score for this essay could be 5 because you did a very good job of discussing the topic and your opinion.
tamtamii 9 / 7  
Mar 29, 2017   #5
halo Mr. @agus_mono

You did well in this essay because your idea is supporting from this question, but your essay is too much example (second paragraph), you can develop your idea and example from your explanation. I also found in your essay some words which are not relating with their collocation. Such as "succeed on" should be "succeed to"@agus_mono
Mayank7g 9 / 17  
Mar 30, 2017   #6
I found improper use of collocation, although you responded according to the topic.

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