IELTS writing: should Art be ignored by the government?

Hi everyone, i am new here, not english native speaker. i have being looking somewhere i can get my essay fixed for free since i can not afford to pay a tutor. i am so glad i found here. I appreciate if anyone can give your opinions about my writing whatever on grammar or the idea i express whether related to the topic or the spelling. I have the IELTS test coming up on this Saturday. So i appreciate if you can can comment ASAP, thanks. Here is the original of my writing which i finished it in 55 minuts(suppose to be finished in 40 minutes)

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Question: Some people think art such as painting and music can not improve the quality of people's life so the government should not spend money on them but the other fields. Do you agree or disagree?

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Physical needs of human being are fundamental in the real world. Food, evironment, living conditions and other physical things are crucial to an individual. However, when we talking about people who chasing a better quality living, we are not only talking about their physical needs but also their mental development. Art such as painting and music play a very important role of developing an individual's personal life. I would not agree that some people's suggestion that government should ignor the art developing but more focusing on the other fields. I would like to discuss my opinions in two main parts of how crucial art is to our society.

To begin with, I would like to say mental issues are every serious issues in this day and age. No matter from big issues like people suffering from economy collapse, high unemployment rate, cruel competition around to small issues such as divorce, violence in a single family, the depressure on people's shoulder is getting heavier and heavier. And all these factors would contribute to the collapse of an individual's mental health. Art, as we would consider a tool of helping people releasing from the outside world, should never be ignored. Also, it is a window to show the outside world of people's feeling of their inside world.

Another factor I would like to discuss is that art is a way we understand the history and also a way we would remain the present culture for the future. Certain age has its certain art. From thousands of years ago of the Maya age to the latest moment now, art such as painting and music is always a particular way of showing how the specific age of people live. We learn the ancient painting from the rock to understand what human beings have through during those thousands of years. We listen to the music to feel how the the ancient people feel.

In conclusion, art is a unseperatable part of any individual's life. Regardless people who are living in the palace or people who are living in the slum, art is a crucial part to support their mental health. Moreover, as a expression tool to the world, art should not be ignored.

a -- an


have (been) through


showing how people in the specific age live.


Again, 'I would like to' is used more in oral English.
art is a way(in which) we understand the history
also a way(approach by which, avoid repeating the same word) we wouldremain (maintain, 'remain' is a intransitive verb ) the present culture for the future.


Art, as (which) we would consider (as) a tool of ...
You use too much 'would' in your essay, that is not necessary, and sometimes they are incorrect.


I would not agree that some people's suggestion that (the) government should ignor(e) the art developing (development of art)but more focusing (focus more)on the other fields(add 'such as...' would be better )


Look for the dictionaty and see if 'show sb of sth' is a right usage.


who (are) chasing

thanks, zchen1987
it seems i have lots of grammar problem. i will put more attention on it. Thanks

I think your essay structure is good enough, you discussed good point of art.

'I would like to say ,,,'
In the IELTS essay, objective sentence is prefered.

'when we talking about... '
when we are talking about

'that government should ignor the art developing but more focusing on the other fields.'
but more focus on...

'the depressure on people's shoulder '
depression? or pressure?