Ielts writing essays on "Artificial Intelligence" and its effect on human

Please help me check this writing. Thanks for your time.

Some people believe that developments in the field of artificial intelligence will have a positive impact on our lives in the near future. Others, by contrast, are worried that we are not prepared for a world in which computers are more intelligent than humans. Discuss both of these views and give your own opinion.

computers' contribution for people's life

Computers which are also known as a form of artificial intelligence have played a vital role in our society since they have a huge impact on our lives with broad implications in many aspects. Even though there are still people who are fear of their existence for the reason they can be smarter than us, I strongly believe the benefits given by computers can outweigh the drawbacks.

The first factor to be mentioned is that the computer is the best invention in the scientific field because it helps us facilitate complicated tasks which cannot be done by human. For example, coding and other multi-tasks performed on this artificial machine is by far a lot faster and simpler than by hand or other devices. Therefore, they are undoubtedly the most effective tool to use when it is related to technical work, data, and research.

In addition to that idea, I do not think we have to be afraid of the rise of computers in use because it is us who create, operate and control the machines, not vice versa. We still have to check if they function well and whether they make any mistakes or not. That is why we have QA (quality assurance) engineers to supervise their work. They cannot be more intelligent than human beings since they are under our control.

In conclusion, computers have contributed and supported us so effectively and efficiently not only in our daily lives but in all other fields as well. However, they are still just machines and only able to operate better with the help of human.

@snowflake817
Hi. I will check this written work of yours. I hope that my feedback becomes helpful for your writing goals!

First and foremost, while I think that the first paragraph is alright, try to enhance the flow of writing here by incorporating a stronger thesis statement. There was also a logical jump between the first sentence to the second one, making them appear to be rather apart from each other rather than interconnected. Try your best to stitch these two together by inserting a brief transition sentence in between, creating a more fluid approach to writing.

When it comes to the succeeding paragraphs, I find that you needed to explain things a bit more to add depth to the writing. Bear in mind that you should consistently try to back everything with concrete data to capitalize on the potential of your writing.

With regard to the conclusion, you seemed to be lacking that genuine analysis that is sought after. You merely summarized things without giving a proper context on what is truly the core value that is derived from your writing. Bear in mind that you should always and always stitch together the main thoughts between all of these paragraphs to come up with a more structured response.

@Maria
Hi. Your comments surely help me realize my weakness in writing. I've had problems with coherence and cohesion. Also, I read somewhere that the conclusion is like summarizing the topic again then give our opinion. Could you show me how it should end? Many thanks