Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 5

IELTS - Artists have more attention than scientists

MTALY 2 / 4  
Jun 22, 2018   #1

art creators vs scientists

It is argued that art creators in many sectors are under the spot more than scientists. While I partly agree with this opinion since artists expressing people's values, I still believe that science savvies are popular for their inventions and innovation.

One the one hand, the key reason why artists are getting more focus than scientists is their abilities to express people in different ways. These ways could touch the psychological status of many fans. For example, an article that is written by Oprah Winfrey could be more inspirational for many people who struggle in life than developing a drug the treat a serious disease. Additionally, successful artists could deliver things that for many people are priceless. For instance, a masterpiece painting by Van Gogh is representing the culture and values of a community and no longer monetized.

On the other hand, great scientists with groundbreaking inventions are also popular among people. This is due to their innovation that really changes many people's lives. They always under the public's eye because of their abilities to invent hypothetical forms to many issues and converting them into practical solutions. For example, NASA scientists were able to find a way to operate a fridge using solar power. Consequently, many people on earth get the benefit of this inventions, especially poor areas in Africa where electricity is not an option.

In conclusion, it can be reiterated that artists are utterly popular because of their expressive power that touches people. However, I think that scientists who smartly invent solutions to overcome people's obstacles are also getting the same popularity among people.

Holt [Contributor] - / 8,801 2612  
Jun 22, 2018   #2
MT, I would have to say that you are not clearly restating the original prompt in your first paragraph presentation. The original prompt indicates that you have to compare the contributions of artists and scientists to society. From there you were supposed to opine as to which sector has a contribution that society values more. Therefore, you should have posed a general discussion based on the given premise, with a focus on the field that you believe society does value more. This is a comparative opinion essay based on a personal point of view. There are 3 discussion points for the body paragraphs namely:

1. Art - why is this more valuable to society? Oprah is not an effective example but Van Gogh is.
2. Science - good sample using the NASA solar fridge.
3. Personal opinion - totally missing from this discussion. The personal opinion reflects your final choice as to what society values more between the two choices and why.

The personal opinion cannot be inserted as a single sentence in the concluding paragraph. The personal opinion is clearly required as a stand alone paragraph in all IELTS task 2 essay discussions as this is considered part of the 3 body paragraph discussion. It has to be fully developed and explained to the reader just like the other 2 prior considerations.
OP MTALY 2 / 4  
Jun 23, 2018   #3
Thank you so much for your valuable feedback. Yes I agree with you that I went off topic in the first paragraph and I should have mentioned why art is more attractive from the society perspective.

For the opinion paragraph, I tried to mention it in the thesis statement in the first paragraph (the intro) and to maintain a clear position within the essay ( which I believe I didn't do that perfectly) and finally, reiterate it in the conclusion.

I will rewrite this essay again considering adding a third paragraph to see what I am able to mention in terms of more ideas.

Thank you, appreciate it.
Jun 24, 2018   #4
I think you need to revise your essay with some more sound reasons to prove your claim.
OP MTALY 2 / 4  
Jun 24, 2018   #5
Thank you, I should have mentioned that artists are more visible through their work more than scientists. For example, movie stars or actresses are everywhere on billboards, posters and trailers .. etc

I am brain storming more ideas for both arguments.

Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS - Artists have more attention than scientists