Hi, could you please help with my essay as this is my 2nd try for the CBEST writing section. Could you tell me where can I improve and point out my mistakes.
Some have argued that occupations that focus on creative expressions(artists, poets and musicians) are not as important as occupation that emphasize analytical expression(lawyers, doctors, engineers). To what extent do you agree or disagree with this argument. support your opinion with specific examples.
CBEST ESSAY
Today, there are myriad career options in the world from being an art critic, a animator,a choreographer to a surgeon, a chartered accountant etcetera. Occupations that focus on creative expressions(artists, poets and musicians) are not as important as occupation that emphasize analytical expression(lawyers, doctors, engineers) is a controversial one. Some believe that one should choose a career which will allow one to creatively express themselves. While others believe that an occupation where one applies logical reasoning followed with good monetary returns is the best. After a careful thought, I some what disagree with the statement because as children, we were told that whatever you do in life, you should be content and do it with full enthusiasm. We should follow our dreams and respect each and every work as no job is small or insubstantial.
Who decides which occupation is the best? Which career guarantees complete success? Which career is the most satisfying? Everyone has different answers depending upon how they perceive their jobs. A person who is satisfied with his job and is motivated to grow in that particular field has chosen the best career path for himself even if it involves creativity or logical reasoning. Today, there are various career options where one gets to express themselves creatively. They get to express their ideas and emotions through a variety of mediums like paintings, dance and music. With the increase in technology, their creativity is spreading like fire and they are being appreciated for their work and also doing financially very well.
It is my belief that one should choose a career based on their interest and passion. My classmate Ria in high school was a trained dancer and had won many competitions in school. In our last year, we had a career orientation fair where we had to choose a particular field. Most of us had chosen commerce or science because we were naive as everyone told us that career ins science or commerce would be the best for us. Ria was the only who selected Arts as she wanted to become a dancer. Soon we all became busy in pursuing our respective careers. After 7 years, I accidentally bumped into Ria at the Mall and she told me that she was a choreographer with Digital Films production house. She also shared her experiences of performing live and how she organized TV and stage shows. She was doing very well for herself as she soon was starting her own dance academy.
Some people are born talented with multiple intelligences. If motivated and given the right advice and support, they grow up to be successful in the career they chose for themselves. With their extra ordinary qualities they can also achieve great success in those fields. If Eminem was asked to be an engineer and Sundar Pichai to be a singer, I am sure they would not be that successful as they are in their respective fields. Lot of examples of musicians and artist are there like Britney Spears, Michael Jackson, Shakira, Lata Mangeskar and many famous artists which can be taken into account to prove that they are doing equally good or better than people of other occupations.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,797 
4780 Khushboo, I apologize for what I am about to say because I found that this sort of essay writing for the CBEST cannot score higher than a 2 because of a number of reasons. I believe that once you learn to avoid the mistakes I will be enumerating, that you will be able to improve your scoring consideration for this test.
The first problem with your essay is that you do not follow through on the discussion as provided by the prompt. You took almost a whole paragraph where you presented a series of questions that caused you to not discuss the essay in the manner expected by the instructions you were given. Rather than doing a comparative response immediately after saying that you "some what" agree with the essay, you went on to respond to the questions that you posed instead. Causing a prompt deviation which caused the essay to lose focus in terms of the original discussion.
The reasoning that you are using in the 2nd paragraph is weak and pretty much generalized in presentation. This was caused by the focus on the previous questions that you posed in the paragraph. Instead of questions, you should be presenting evidence to support your claim. The supporting evidence needs to be something popularly known on an international basis or, you could base this on your personal knowledge instead.
In your opening statement, you also use the term "controversial" to describe the topic you were provided for the discussion. If you review the essay, there is no such controversy being referred to. So while the ideas are properly presented, implying something about the original prompt that is not justified nor supported by the original presentation means that your response is weak and confusing.
The reasoning is also not very effective because, while you chose to use evidence based on someone you know, your next set of evidence uses someone that is not well known to those outside of your country. It is always best to stick to popular examples or, even better, use personal experience in this area.
The mistakes in your sentence structure and word usage tends to become distracting which creates choppy sentences. Mistakes such as "some what" when the correct term is "somewhat creates a confusing sentence because of the way the terms are used.
Remember that you are supposed to be presenting this academic paper to peers who happen to be teachers as well. So when you make mistakes like these, your ability as a potential educator comes into question and, with such a low score, means you are not capable of fulfilling the tasks you will be required to do.
The closing paragraph feels rushed and ill informed. You said that there are people who are born talented with multiple intelligences. Yet the examples you use are of people who are known for just one thing. Therefore, your presentation becomes ineffective and unclear. When you say something that important, you need to follow it up with examples of multi talented people and a description of what these multiple talents are.
Don't forget the importance of the closing paragraph. Without a properly summarized discussion, your essay becomes open ended and doesn't come across as truly effective and informative because it does not offer the reader a chance to decide for himself based upon your concluding statement.
