What I see, firstly, in your essay is that, you have a tendency to use full stop (.) abundantly! :) No offense!
With the initiation of society. art has been...
You can put a comma in place of full stop here.
Some people In contemporary society, any work of art should appeal the public.
I can't understand what you mean.
Nevertheless, his abnormal arts did draw the public attention, resultresulted in the escalation in value of his arts.
'abnormal arts' sounds a bit incorrect in this context.
Thus. It may follow that the recognition of people should be followed to guarantee the value of arts.
Again misplaced full stop and I think I can understand what you intend to mean, but the sentence fails to convey its message clearly. This is not the only one, there are some other sentences like this one.
Korean artist Lee Bongsam's arts is one of the exemplary case.
You mix up present and past tense.
When he was alive, his pieces were evaluated to be invaluable.
According to the development of mass media.
According to mass media, what? Complete the sentence.
a lot of people recognized that his styles was ...
Therefore, without taking ...
there could be argument /quote]
[quote=leebongho]Moreover, Art does not need.. .
They could compose a lot of score because of the ensured foundation where the minor arts could survive independently
As a result, Coffee, one of his best song, could be released, ranked 1 in the Korean pop charts.
However, Its value
Again, the full stop!
I think you should pay intense attention to sentence structure and tense. You will benefit from the habit of reading at least one article from English dailies, magazines or story books.