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The Ashdown Museum After and Before


miss19 1 / 3  
Aug 23, 2017   #1
THE TABLE BELOW SHOWS THE NUMBERS OF VISITORS TO ASHDOWN MUSEUM DURING THE YEAR BEFORE AND THE YEAR AFTER IT WAS REFURBISHED. THE CHARTS SHOW THE RESULT OF SURVEYS ASKING VISITORS HOW SATISFIED THEY WERE WITH THEIR VISIT, DURING THE SAME TWO PERIODS.

Ashdown Museum visitors



My Review

The table represents the total number of visitor to Ashdown Museum between the year before and after renovation. The charts describe how different the visitor satisfaction to Ashdown museum between the year after and before renovation.

Overall, the Ashdown museum renovation was successfully taking more visitor to come, the visitor accounted for 74000 to 92000.

The year after refurbishment, the percentage of very satisfied was nearly 35% and it experienced a more then halved than before it was renovation. At the beginning before the Ashdown Museum refurbishment satisfied visitor made up to 30%, and then the figures rose to 40% after the Ashdown museum was refurbished.

The dissatisfied visitor which comprised almost a halved of results survey satisfaction the year before refurbishment, it fell down to 15% after the refurbishment. At the same year before renovation, the very dissatisfied visitor was at 10% respectively and then decreased to 5% after the renovation. On other hand, no response visitor remained constant during the same two periods.

Please feel free to comment, I will appreciate it so much.




Holt - / 7,527 2001  
Aug 24, 2017   #2
Raisa, in the opening summary, you should always indicate what the purpose of the illustrations are. For example, are these meant for comparison purposes or general discussion? What is the specific instruction that was given for the discussion? The outline for your essay is not clear at the moment. Your trending discussion could have been more complete if you had shown the trend prior to the renovation and then presented the number of visitors after the renovation. When it comes to making comparison discussions, you overlooked the fact that the 5% of no response visitors remained the same for both before and after the renovation. These comparison discussions are important as it shows that you thoroughly analyzed the given information and took note of the small but important details for reporting. The total essay that you wrote is good and reports on almost all the important points. You need to better allot your time for analyzing the images prior to drafting your report. That way you will have time to review and note any information you might have missed the first time you wrote the report.
OP miss19 1 / 3  
Aug 24, 2017   #3
@Holt Hi Holt, thank you so much for the advise, it is important for me. God bless you. I will try harder to make it better for the next essay.
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,198 464  
Aug 24, 2017   #4
Hellooo there, you have written a good writing report in IELTS, but sadly some flaws appear somewhere around. Here they are:
1. A good paragraph consists of at least three sentences. Some paragraphs above did not meet the requirement. If you write this in the real exam, then it will have your score deducted in Coherence and Cohesion.

2. Most students start with this phrase

The table represents the total number of visitor

. Although this is a common approach to do so, that way is too generic and brings nothing in the way you paraphrase the prompt. Let me give you a try for this:

A comparison of the total visitors going to Ashwdown Museum after the developers refurbished it is presented in the table, while the charts illustrates the surveys based on the changes seen in this museum. The survey collected various responses given from the visitors. The key features of the data will be summarized and delivered thoroughly in this report writing.

3.

Overall, the Ashdown museum renovation

It is suggested that you need to compose a 2-sentence overview as to cover the general trends and the key points from the graphs. Also, you are not allowed to put figures, numbers or any specific data in this part. Save them for the body paragraphs.

4. When it comes to body paragraphs, clearly check the similarities and diversities of the data, then you need compare and contrast them with the languages used in the IELTS writing task 1. What stands out from your presentation above does not clearly state what IELTS wants you to do so. You simply list the data without any comparison,and this is the biggest mistake that most IELTS students do.

Hope this helps you :)
OP miss19 1 / 3  
Aug 24, 2017   #5
@eddies
Hi Eddies, I really appreciate your advice and correction, thank you for the enlightenment. It will be helpful for me, I have been learning IELTS from Youtube and you are right about "Most students start with this phrase" I used the form because everyone use it haha, I will revise my next practice essay. Once again thank you so much. God bless.


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