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Asking citizens to do military service or some social work - is it a good idea? Essay for Toefl exam

sou1978 1 / -  
Dec 26, 2018   #1

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?

The government should require all young adults to perform some kind of national service, such as military service or social work.

It is often said that all young adults must be required to go to the military service or volunteering to do some social works for their community; however, the issue is not entirely straightforward, and arguments can also be made against the idea. This essay will discuss the debate and give a concluding view.

On one hand, those who supports that all youth should serve in the national army or being part of the social work for their society, cite the various benefits. These are range from the physical building for their bodies to the strength relationship between them and their country. First, the military service could help young people to have a healthy life and stay fit because there is a special routine for their daily lives and the specific diet for their nutrition. Furthermore, any community seeks the help from its citizens, and best way to prove your belong to your community is by helping as a volunteer in a library, a senior life facility, a community pantry food, etc.

By contrast, the opponent of this view point is even not possible. Examples can be seen in the United States, where the freedom is part of the daily base life for people as first amendment of the American constitution. The american government can not ask all youth people to go to the military service or to being part of many social services because that would be against their freedom to choose their style life. People will be very anger because the officials are trying to steal their right to do whatever they want without any interfere or influence from others. This will create big clash between the two sides and will destroy country instead of built it.

Overall, it is logical to conclude that decision to be part of the your national army or a builder for your community by the socials works, should be based on the right of the citizen to choose his life and what services he/ she can offer to his society, rather than just ask all young citizens to do the military service or do some social works for their community by working as volunteers in some community centers or social places.
HanNguyen0510 18 / 40 17  
Dec 27, 2018   #2
Hi there, I have some opinion for your essay, I hope it helps.

1/ Grammar:
You might want to have a look carefully at your grammar mistakes; I have some examples:
- You may want to change to Your belong, the word "belong" itself is a Verb, and it needs a Subject.
- There are a few miswritten words: viewpoint, we don't need a space between it.
- anger => angry, and Adj follows "Be" will be more suitable.
-"Instead of building it => after instead of, we need a V-ing.
And so on.
2/ The content of the essay:
I don't think you answered directly to the prompt. Your second sentence, "however, the issue is ... against the idea" confused me because I don't know what your answer is, agree or disagree to the question? So I think your essay is off the topic and didn't respond well to the prompt.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,211 3650  
Dec 27, 2018   #3
Sara, this essay will automatically receive a failing score due to its inability to respond to the prompt requirements. You are being asked to defend one opinion only. This is because the questions asks whether you agree or disagree with the statement provided. Therefore, the corresponding reasoning paragraphs must only contain the defense and supporting reasons for your opinion. In your prompt restatement, you only provided the central discussion point but did not offer a personal opinion. Hence your failure to properly address the task. Once you show that you did not understand the task requirement, you will receive the lowest possible score for that the TA section of the test, which is more than half the grade requirement to pass this test. Therefore, the total error in the discussion presentation, along with other failures on your part on the GRA, LR, as well as C&C score will result in a total failure of this essay when it comes to an actual test setting.

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