Hi, this is the first time i have posted on this forum.
i am preparing for the IELTS and my target is 6,5, please check my essay.
Thank you very much.
Athletes can be a good role of models for young people?
Many top athletes are admire throughout their country and some even have fans all around the world. These athletes are the good role of models for young people, although in some way they can be a bad example.
Sport has alway been received a huge attention by many people, especially from teenagers and children. Top athletes become the heroes to them and of course they want to be a hero. That means they will play sports, which is good for their health. Playing sports can also teach them many things such as teamwork, how to lose or win in gracefully. The professional athletes also demonstrate them the important of working so hard to achieve the goals, practicing to be good at somethings. Therefore, professional athletes can be a models for teenagers and children to follow them.
On the other hand, those athletes are not really a good example. Comparing to others jobs, athletes are paid a higher salary and it is not good when children or teenagers want to play sport just for money and fame. In that case, they will think that earning a lot of money is an important part of playing sport. Young people might focus on these aspects than on the fun of the game or the challenge of learn how to play well. Some athletes have bad behaviours like using drugs or being angry while playing sport. Those behaviours send wrong messages to young people.
Professional can become a good model for teenagers and children, as long as they focus on a good aspect of them.I am just working on preparing for the IELTS test like you but I hope my advice is useful for you:
You made some grammatical mistakes in this essay, for instance:
are admired
especially from (the preposition maybe not necessary in this context)
demonstrate to them the importance
challenge of learning
And other spelling mistakes: alway, sport, a models, somethings
For word choice, I think you should try doing better on the quality and quantity of your vocabulary. For example:
Many athletes win people's admiration...
These athletes set good examples for...
And I think you also should try to paraphrase in the opening paragraph because the paraphrased statement will show off your English comprehensive as well as impress the examiner in the first place.
