in a span of ten years.
While this reference does indicate the number of years covered by the measurement, it does not accurately portray the period of measurement, which is a must in terms of information delivery within the summary. Therefore, you should have indicated the starting year (1992) and the end year (2001) as the reference points for the decade coverage.
Be more specific about this year. What is this in reference to? The start of the measurement? The middle? Remember, you have to assume that the reader will not be seeing the image so every bit of information you present must have accurate reference points or target. You could have indicated that "When the measurements started in 1992..." for a clear reference starting point in the analytical paragraph.
around 40000 people came to Australia becoming permanent settlers, more doubled those for temporarily working.
There is a lack of subject clarity in the second part. What more than doubled? What was the actual number? Numerical references in the thousands were used throughout the chart, kindly make sure to always refer to actual data to give clarity to your statements.
employees rise gradually
Use the reference "rose" since that action was considered to be in continous movement within the graph at that point.
As can be seen the same mainstream in permanent settlers but still less than 1992.
Not sure what you are trying to refer to here.
You have a problem with thought clarity and information presentation. You appear to not be able to think and write in a manner that clearly explains what you mean in English. This will be a major scoring down for you in an actual test. Focus on developing your English writing skills in terms of restatement skills.