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By 2000, in Australia, the level of electricity generated through hydropower slightly increased


hokagepato 1 / 1  
Nov 9, 2014   #1
Hi friends. I am prepared for IELTS exam. This is my Writing Task 1. Please help me to correct my task. Thanks U very much.

The graphs illustrate data on the total electricity generation proceduced by fossil fuels with nuclear power and hydropower in Australia and France over a period of twenty years between 1980 and 2000. (32)

At first glance it is clear that there was a surprisingly rapid increase in the whole amount of electricity in both countries over two decades. The energy sources used, on the other hand, there were big differences. (37)

As can be seen from the pie charts, the proportion of coal made up approximately 75% of total electricity generation, compared with 50% in the first year of the 1980s in Australia. France, in contrast with Australia, while the rate of using coal decreased, nuclear power was more and more popular and played an indispensable role in the electricity industry, accounted for 75% of the country's electricity in 2000. (69)

By 2000, in Australia, the level of electricity generated through hydropower slightly increased from 20 to 36 units, but the amount of electricity power using this type dropped by 3 units in France. Oil, as opposed to hydropower, ramined a relatively important fuel source in France, but its use declined in Australia. Both countries relied on natural gas significantly more in 1980 than in 2000. (65)


  • Pie chart

confusing girl 2 / 3 1  
Nov 9, 2014   #2
The graphs illustrate data on the total electricity generation proceduced by fossil fuels with nuclear power and hydropower in Australia and France over a period of twenty years between 1980 and 2000. (32)

*good! give brief introduction!

At first glance it is clear that there was a surprisingly rapid increase in the whole amount of electricity in both countries over two decades. The energy sources used, on the other hand, there were big differences. (37)

*second sentence confusing! how was it different? that was two sentences combined!

As can be seen from the pie charts, the proportion of coal made up approximately 75% of total electricity generation, compared with 50% in the first year of the 1980s in Australia. France, in contrast with Australia (delete), (so how was France relates in this sentence? It seems more like the sentence starts at "while") while the rate of using coal decreased, nuclear power was more and more popular and played an indispensable role in the electricity industry, accounted for 75% of the country's electricity in 2000. (69)

By 2000, in Australia, the level of electricity generated through hydropower slightly increased from 20 to 36 units, but the amount of electricity power using this type (delete, and just change to "it") dropped by 3 units in France. Oil, as opposed to hydropower, ramined a relatively important fuel source in France, but its use declined in Australia. Both countries relied on natural gas significantly more in 1980 than in 2000. (65)

I just comment roughly on certain points. Mostly I think the problems are sentence fragment and the other one.. (I don't remember what's it called) when there are two sentences combined into one!
OP hokagepato 1 / 1  
Nov 9, 2014   #3
Thank you *confusing girl
"*second sentence confusing! how was it different? that was two sentences combined!" - Yes, I absolutely agree with you. I will combine it into one sentence.

so how was France relates in this sentence? It seems more like the sentence starts at "while" - I want to point out that Australia's trend as opposed to France's trend in using the fuel source, especially coal, increase in Aus, but decrease in France.

(delete, and just change to "it") - Yes, I agree with you.

Thank you very much *confusing girl

Hope to receive more comment from guys


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