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The Australian children's free time activities (IELTS)


xchan 3 / 1 1  
Dec 6, 2015   #1
The given bar chart shows the percentage of the leisure time activities preferred by the Australian girls and boys aged five to 14. Overall, watching television and playing computer games have become the most preferable activities for them. In the other activities, the girls are more likely to engage in crafting, rather than to what boys do in biking and skateboarding.

It is clear that the kids' screen time become more time-consuming activities than other activities. Watching television has seized a hundred percent of their spare time. In fact, it has successfully reduced a computer gaming time by 20% (boys) and by 40% (girls).

Fortunately, children still commit with the other physical activities indirectly offering benefits for their health and creativity. The data proves that over the half percentage of the teenage girls (59%), they spend time on biking and doing crafts, while the other 39% of the boys' free time are used for both skateboarding and crafting. However, biking (78%) and skateboarding (39%) are the boys' most preferable sport activities. Nevertheless, 59% of the girls are interested in crafting, so they can enhance their art skills.




vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Dec 6, 2015   #2
Syafira, make sure to be consistent in the way that you write your numbers either use figures throughout the essay or use the words representing the numbers. do not mix it up. That makes your paper look unprofessional and poorly written. It affects the format of your paper. Also, since you are presenting previously gathered information, always speak in past tense mode.

The given bar chart shows the percentage of the leisure time activities preferred by the Australian girls and boys aged five 5 to 14. Overall, watching television and playing computer games have become the most preferable PREFERRED activities for them. In the WITH REGARDS TO other activities, the girls are WERE more likely to engage in crafting, rather than to what the boys do in who preferred biking and skateboarding.

It is clear that the kidSs ' screen time become ARE A more time-consuming activities than other activities ACTIVITY. Watching television has seized SHOWED a hundred percent OCCUPATION of their spare time. In fact, it has successfully reduced a computer gaming time by 20% (boys) and by 40% (girls).

Fortunately, children still commit with ENGAGE IN the other physical activities indirectly THAT offering benefits for their health and creativity. The data proves that over the A half percentage of the teenage girls (59%), they spend THEIR time on biking and doing crafts, while the other 39% of the boy'S s' free time are used for both skateboarding and crafting. However, biking (78%) and skateboarding (39%) are the boy'S s' most preferable PREFERRED sport activities. Nevertheless, 59% of the girls are WERE interested in crafting, so they can enhanceD their art skills OVER TIME.
akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Dec 6, 2015   #3
Hi Syafira.
Your writing is good.
I closely read your writing and will give you few suggestion.
I hope these can help you to improve your writing.

Overall, GOOD JOB


The given bar chart shows the percentage of the leisure time activities ...

Alternative sentences:
A breakdown of the percentage of the leisure time activities preferred by the Australian girls and boys in the 5-14 age group is presented in the bar chart. It can be seen that watching television is the highest percentage of the leisure time activities and has the similar percentages for the boys and the girls. In addition, the percentage of the boys is larger than the girl in three categories, except watching and craft.


It is clear that the kids' screen time become more time-consuming activities than other activities. Watching television has seized a hundred percent of their spare time. In fact, it has successfully reduced a computer gaming time by 20% (boys) and by 40% (girls).

Note:
I closely read your writing and find that you give a opinion. You said that watching television reduced the percentage of playing a computer. You cannot give opinion as that because there are many factors. In addition, there is an addition information that affect of watching to playing computer. You may explore your ideas at task 2 because it needs your opinions.


FortunatelySurprisingly , children still commit with ...

GOOD JOB
Arundyna 12 / 16 2  
Dec 6, 2015   #4
hello Chan
i am really keen on to read your writing...
let me give you few suggestions...

The given bar chart shows the percentage of the leisure time activities preferred by the Australian girls and boys aged five to 14. Overall, watching television where is a video ? and playing computer games have become the most preferable activities for them. In the other activities, the girls are more likely to engage in crafting, rather than to what boys do in biking and skateboarding.

it is my alternative sentence.

A comparison regarding the percentage of leisure time activities preferred by Australian girls and boys aged 5 to14. Overall, it clearly can be seen that, watching televisions or videos record the greatest number of activities and it have as similar as in both genre . Furthermore, the girls only dominate on art and craft rather than the boys have large percentage in three categories.

I guess you have more ability to write well, this regard to your grammatical range are good
pikul 23 / 26 3  
Dec 13, 2015   #5
The data proves (because data is plural) that over the half percentage ...
... while the other 39% of the boys' ...
hollanda 2 / 5  
Dec 14, 2015   #6
I personally think we should not add information that is not included in the graph, such as " they can enhance their art skills."

Another alternative for preferable: the most favorite/ popular activity.


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