Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

[IELTS Writing Task 1] Australian and New Zealand children favourite activities in 2007

dinhnn 1 / -  
Jan 29, 2020   #1

the most popular activities in two countries

Topic: The graph below shows information about the activities that Australian and New Zealand children enjoy doing the most in 2007.

The bar graph displays data about the favourite recreational pursuit of children in two nations in 2007. Overall, young Australians were more likely to do outdoor activities, whereas New Zealanders were more involved in indoor activities.

For Australian youths, the most popular activity was playing sports, which accounted for 28%. Next, a quarter of Australians enjoyed visiting parks. The third most popular leisure pursuits were video games and watching DVDs, which both attracted about 15 per cent. The least popular activities were reading books, and art and craft, which accounted for about 10% and 7%, respectively.

Turning to the young New Zealanders, the highest proportion of young people enjoyed doing art and craft, which accounted for 25 % of them. This was followed by reading books and watching DVDs, which each accounted for roughly 17%. The proportion who played video games was only 15 per cent. The least popular were trips to the park and playing sports at 13%.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,686 3494  
Jan 29, 2020   #2
The presentation is more than acceptable. You totally represented every piece of information in the graph that showed how you analyzed the information for each country, sector, and representation. However, you need to be consistent with the way that you display the information. When the graph line does not fall on a specific number, always use uncertainty when representing the figure. A "guesstimate" is just that, a close approximation of the required information. You did that a few times, here and there, within the essay. What you need to do is be consistent in the presentation of such information. In certain instances, a show of uncertainty through the use of various descriptions can help with the cohesiveness and coherence score, as well as the GRA presentation of the essay. Overall, I believe you did a well enough job to not get a very low score on the test. Word of advice though, try to write at least 200 words for the essay to further help boost the GRA and LR scores in the final consideration.
Amanda92 2 / 3  
Jan 30, 2020   #3
Generally, I think it very good but I believe you could used more transition words. Maybe you could have made more comparison.
Good luck
thaolinh 5 / 10 2  
Feb 4, 2020   #4
I agree that the struture your essay was good and easy to understand. But I think it is better not to describe the figures for two countries separately. The detailed part could be devided into several paragraphs in which each paragraph describe some categories and compere between two countries. Good luck.

Home / Writing Feedback / [IELTS Writing Task 1] Australian and New Zealand children favourite activities in 2007