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writing IELTS TASK 1 AUSTRALIAN WOMEN BIRTHRATE


The table gives information about the birth rate from Australian women aged 40-44 in the quarter century. It can be seen that the first three groups had an increasing trend on the number of the birth rate, in spite of the last two groups had a decreasing trend at the number of birth rate during the period.

In 1981, the Australian women aged 40-44 years old who has no children was 8.5 %, and this percentage increased slightly to 9.7 % in 1986. And for the next 10 years the percentage growth to 15.9 %. Similar with the Australian women in the same age group who has one child, was 8.5 % in 1981 and it increased slightly at 8.7 % in 1986, and for the next 10 years it reached 13.2 % of birth rate. Another similarity was the Australian woman in the same age group who has two children increased steadily from 29.0 % in 1981 to 35.6 % in 1986 and for the next 20 years the birth rate increased gradually at 38.3 %.

In contrast to this information, the Australian women age 40-44 years old who has three children and four children and more had decreasing trend on the number of birth rate. In 1981, the number of birth rate from the women who has three children was 27.4 % and then knocked down to 21.5 % in 2006. Nevertheless, the number of birth rate from the women who has four children and more was 27.6 % in 1981 and experienced dramatically decrease to 11% in 2006.




I am not sure with my comment to correct your writing, you very often repeating "same age group". If we see the data which showed on your writing is clear that data illustrate only one data of ages (40-44). So, you can remove some that. Maybe you can change with the other word to make it better. And I see your writing has an error with the year of the data. You say 1986 to end period is 10 years, but it must be 20 years. Ok, I will try to make a specific suggestion.

You say "the Australian women aged 40-44 years old" at the first line in the second paragraph for the opening, and you write "the Australian women in the same age group" at the third line in the second paragraph two. I think "the Australian women in the same age group who has one child, was 8.5 % in 1981" can replace by the categories of the children born because we talk about the children born not the different of the ages of that women. This is my suggestion, {For the one child ever born, the data illustrates 7.5% in the first period}.

And in the fifth line in the second paragraph, "Another similarity was the Australian woman in the same age group" you can say the third group because you categorize the data to group one to five in your first paragraph. So I will try to make a sentence for you {No different with the two groups before, the third group also increased significantly}. You also mention women ages 40-44 in the third paragraph, I think it must be changed too.

Next, for the error of the year information, there is two error I got.
First, "increased slightly to 9.7 % in 1986. And for the next 10 years the percentage growth to 15.9 %", 9.7% was in 1986 and the end of the period is 2006 the data display 15.9%. From 1986 to 2006 it must be 20 years.

Second, "increased slightly at 8.7 % in 1986, and for the next 10 years it reached 13.2 % of birth rate", 8.7% was in 1986 and 13.2% in 2006.

I will add a little of my opinion, "trend on the number" "trend at the number" it should {trand in the number}. "Similar with" it should {Similar to}. "of birth" need "the" before birth {of the birth}.
  Closed ✓


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