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Australians who attended to muscle building exercises - by gender and age - IELTS1

Tony999 1 / -  
Oct 1, 2019   #1
Please help me to check about vocabularies,grammar,and sentence structures in this essay,thank you so much

Percentage of Austrlian men and women doing regular physical activity in 2010

The given graph depicted data on the percentage of Australian people who attended to muscle building exercises follow different genders and ages in 2010.As can be seen, there was a considerable variation between male and female figures over the periods of 40 years. In details, the female quantity had tendency to do exercises much more than male quantity from 25 to 64 years old, after the age of 65 and over, there was a likely equivalent about the proportion of male and female people who enjoyed sporty activities.

Before 24 years old, the rate of male figure was higher in comparison with female figure in sporty activities by almost 5 percent. After the age of 25, the number of man experienced a slight downfall from 42,2 percent to 39,5 percent at 35 years old. Over the period of 20 years after age of 35, it showed a significant upward trend from 39,5 percent to 45,1 percent.

Meanwhile, the female proportion witnessed a dramatic growth from 48,9 percent to 52,5 percent between 34 and 45 years old. And it reached highest level at the age of 54,at 53,3 percent. However, from 54 to 64 years old, it remained stable, whereas, male proportion increased slightly to 2 percent at this period of age. In general, after 65 years old, it experienced a steadiness between male and female figures.

Maria - / 1,098 389  
Oct 3, 2019   #2
Hi, welcome to the forum! I hope that this feedback helps you as you are learning for the test.

Firstly, try to restructure your sentences in a way that would restrict less your writing. When we take a look at your first paragraph, from the get go, there's that immediate understanding that you lacked prioritization and usage of punctuation. You don't necessarily always have to comply with a standardized writing approach. Instead, what you could have opted for was a more subtle glance to the topic.

As I always tell others, prioritizing information is critical when writing. The first paragraph already had too much bulkiness in its overall content, causing the readers to perhaps be confused with the delivery. What I primarily suggest is trying to stick with what you think is important. You don't necessarily have to mention all of the small details that are in the graph; you need to create a more concrete analysis that's based off of them.
s410377088 11 / 22 4  
Oct 6, 2019   #3
1. The given graph depicted data on ...
--> this sentence contains too much information but lack of appropriate construction, try to make it simple~

2. the female quantity had tendency to do exercises
--> in task 1 you should not use this kind of subjective attitude

3. run-on sentence in paragraph 1

4. And it reached highest level
Ali20 8 / 14 2  
Oct 8, 2019   #4
Hello, these my comments!

1.The given graph depicted data on ... depicts.
2. Your writing is monotonous. you should make variety such us change ".... growth by 3.6% from 48,9 percent to 52,5 percent in 34 and 45 years old group

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