Hello,
In currently taking a dual credit composition class. I received my first assignment the other day. The outlines of it are as follows. I wanted to get your opinion on it, any help, comments anything at all is helpful.
Thank you.
Outline:
-no 1stperson ("I")Write as if you're discussing someone else; not yourself
.-Limit 3rd person usage ("he, she")For example: writing, "This father of two.." or "This Grammy Award winner..." instead of "He has two children" or "She won a Grammy in 2002," consolidates and strengthens the biographical style
.-Introduce subject (yourself) with first and last name then continue with last name only; careful of repetition. (See third person examples above to eliminate last name repetition).
-edit to include items that would entertain, interest, or enlighten the reader-Create a solid essay keeping in mind that the appropriate length for an essay is 3-5 paragraphs; introduction, body, and conclusion.
This is my essay
'He is...' The autobiographical story
Rob Roberts was born in El Paso, Texas in the William Beaumont Army Medical Center on January 24, 2000. Born to Bob Roberts, a nurse anesthetist with the military stationed at the WIlliam Beaumont Army reserve base in El paso. The middle child of three children born to the Roberts family including an older sister and younger brother. Born to two parents, Roberts was just three, when father was deployed in iraq during operation desert freedom. This left the burden of raising him and two siblings with his mother.
He had much admiration for his father even at a young age, knowing he was fighting for freedom and risking it all everyday. It was something he shamelessly bragged about to everyone he met. roberts's father was deployed in iraq for two years and returned finally retiring from the military, after the roberts's moved to the small town of Columbus Texas where his father had a job at the local hospital. After settling in roberts's family enrolled him in a catholic private school called Saint Anthony's. It was at this time the Roberts converted to catholicism after being exposed to it by the school. He stayed at this school for four years until he was nine years old.
Roberts's sister sally Roberts was enrolled at the same school he was. She was just three years older than him in the sixth grade. It was around this time she was diagnosed with Bi-Polar a mental illness that causes depressive phases lasting upwards of months. This made schooling difficult for her and she was eventually pulled out. Having a lot of stress suddenly put on the family caused roberts's mother to pull him out of school as well and homeschool him. This change was unwanted, roberts had just started to fit in at his school and didn't want to leave.
Over the next five years Roberts's mother taught him and his sister from home. She would buy discount textbooks and various books that they would work through together and read aloud. Roberts struggled at first , mainly because he wasn't willing to accept this new lifestyle. His mother had been a stay at home mom since he was born. When she got a job offer as a teacher she quickly accepted. Her new job would make her unable to teach at home so she enrolled roberts and his sister into a new school in Katy, Texas forty-five minutes from his home.
This transition was difficult, it put a lot of stress on Roberts. It was around this time he found his true passion in life. roberts was always an athletic kid he was in every sport he could join he would play for a year then quickly get bored and move on, nothing stuck with him. His younger brother had started a new hobby Taekwondo. Roberts had broken his leg while on a fishing trip with his family and had to quite his sports obligations, having nothing to do in hisfree time he started watching his brother's practices. Eventually curiosity got the best of him and he yearned to participate, frustratingly the cast on his leg prevented this.
After months of watching waiting to participate the young roberts finally got his chance. Immediately he fell in love with the sport , putting in hours on hours in practicing. Not much changed for A while he continued to go to school in Katy and practice Taekwondo.This continued for many years . Roberts became a first dan black belt in the fall of 2015 and earned his second degree in the fall of 2016.
Continuing through the ranks of education the now distinguished and comfortable Roberts, is now finishing up the final year of his education enrolled at a dual credit class at Houston community college. Found often practicing Taekwondo or studying for an exam Roberts can finally say he is comfortable with where he is at the age of 17.Hi, here are my thoughts on your essay:
Besides the first sentence, none of your sentences in the introduction are complete. Eliminating third person pronouns by eliminating the subject of your sentences is not appropriate!
Be sure to capitalize proper nouns.
You still have a lot of "he"s and "Roberts" - you need to use nouns like "the young child", "the student", "the son", "the younger sibling", "the brother" and so on - nouns that describe your role at various times in your life.
I don't think you really have a proper introduction. Even in an autobiography, I think it is best to have an overall theme, and this theme should be stated in a thesis statement, forming the last sentence of your introduction.
Sorry, rereading your intro, only your second and third sentences are fragments - it would not let me edit my post above and correct my mistake.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,823 
4781 Rob, in the first paragraph, you have made a very big blunder. You mentioned that you were born to a father and you provided the father's name. What is missing from that presentation? Right... You forgot to mention who gave birth to you! What is your mother's name? The correct term is "Born to Bob and (name of mother) Roberts, the family was stationed at... You should also mention the name of the siblings in the opening paragraph. Anytime you make a reference to a person, you need to provide a name. That helps to complete the introduction of your nucleus family to the reader.
You have numerous punctuation and capitalization errors in the essay. Review it. The capitalization errors are easy to spot. Any proper noun needs to be capitalized and the start of every sentence is also capitalized. You do not suddenly use a capital letter A in the middle of the sentence. However, the "I" personal pronouns need to be capitalized.
The story about the sister is incomplete as it focuses on the actions of your mother after the diagnosis. Explain how the illness affected you, aside from getting pulled out of school and rebelling because of it. What did you learn from that portion of your life and how do you carry those effects to present day? Additonally, it would be advisable to use your mother's proper name in the essay in order to get around the first person ruling but still give the reader an interesting presentation of your mother's story.
