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Average weight of people is increasing, causes and solutions; 'burgers & pizzas'


williamhayt 1 / -  
Oct 12, 2012   #1
Please check urgently. I have my test in a few days
Please review this essay and comment in detail so that I could improve those areas. Kindly comment in detail.

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are deceasing.What do u think are the causes of these problems and what measures should be taken to solve them?

It is irrefutable that the problem of people becoming obese is on the increase in some countries. There are various reasons for occurrence of such problems, but they can be tackled easily by taking some practical steps. In the following paragraphs I will analyse the causes and solutions to this problem.

The most obvious reason which leads to the issues relating to obesity is our increasing dependence on technology. Technology has revolutionized the way we live, work and communicate. For example, more and more people are using cars to commute to work. They have become cheaper than they were before and even an average person could easily buy a car. This contributes to people's rising reliance on cars rather than on walking or cycling even for shorter distances and results in people becoming lazy. Eventually, people become fat.

Also, most jobs have now become machine-based, thus people don't have to do manual work a lot. Jobs have become increasingly sedentary. In other words, they don't require employees or workers to do much physical work. Although most people see this as a positive development, it has deteriorating effects on health.

The third reason is that people lack a balanced diet these days. They rely on fast food or takeaway foods because this saves time for them. However, such foods lack sufficient vitamins and contain high amount of fats. Therefore, they can be very harmful to health. For example, in New York, most people don't have enough time to cook for them and you could see people eating burgers and pizzas while walking. As a result, heart diseases are common among them.

If people are educated about the negative effects of obesity, they could probably change there lifestyles. Government authorities should make efforts to spread awareness among people about the significance of balanced diet. Furthermore, they should facilitate communities with sports complexes and fitness centres in the vicinity of residential areas and encourage people to join those. Also, job timings should be flexible in order for people to ensure that they have enough time for meals.

In conclusion, there are various reasons which contribute to increasing weight and pose threat to the health. Nonetheless, these problems could be easily dealt with by changing lifestyles.

Diana Safiy 2 / 5  
Oct 12, 2012   #2
This is a stunning essay , but you should put and improve your vocabulary.
Nemoo 1 / 1  
Oct 12, 2012   #3
Your essay is good
1- Good vocabulary.
2- Good supporting ideas.
however you have to think about the essay organization.
First, use topic sentence in each paragraph which include the main idea of this paragraph.
Secondly, don't mix ideas in the same paragraph.
Finally, try to balance the paragraphs in times of ideas , so you might include the same volume of the ideas in the reasons equal to those ideas in the solutions.

Also Find some comments.
It is irrefutable that the problem of people becoming obesity is on the increasing in some countries. There are various reasons for occurrence ofsuchThis problems , but they can be tackled easily by taking some practical steps. In the following paragraphs I will analyse the causes and solutions to this problem.


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