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The average weight of people is increasing/ What do you think about this trend?


dzung1991 2 / 3  
Nov 4, 2012   #1
Hi everyone, I'm Dzung. I'm new member of this forum. I really hope to receive some feedbacks from all of you in order to get a better band score in IELTS exam. Thank you so much.

My topic today is " In some coutries the average weight of people is increasing and the levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problem? What measures can be taken to solve them?

It is undeniable that the population in some developed countries are increasingly overweight and this threats their health and body shape directly. There are several reasons of this alarming trend, but measures could certainly taken to tackle the problem.

There are a number of causes for the exponential growth in the average weight. Firstly, in busy life, many people do not have time to make meals, instead, they rely on fast foods which are incredibly high in fat, salt and sugar are responsible for such ailment as obesity. Another explaination is that advances in technology, in particular to people who spend too much time in front of computer screens rather than relating social activities and physical exercises in the real world. Furthermore, technology such as dishwashers, washing machines and cars also cause people to be lazier.

Consequently, essential efforts should be taken to address these problems. First and foremost, people should eat fresh and make a healthy low fat sanwich to take to work in stead of eating out or fast foods. Secondly, the goverment can help to a small extent by promoting health and fitness. It could for example provide more parks, bicycle lanes and free gyms. Finally, people also should learn how to relax their body and ease their minds in a scientific ways. For instance, taking an eco-friendly vehicle to work or travel, doing exercises regularly at least three times a week for twenty minutes and making a daily schedule in which breaks are involved.

In conclusion, it is clear that there are various reasons for the increase of overweight population related to the levels of health as well as fitness, and steps neeeded to be taken to solve them.

Please give me some feedbacks. Thankkkkkkkk

OP dzung1991 2 / 3  
Nov 4, 2012   #2
is there any one to check my essay ??? pls
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Nov 4, 2012   #3
It is undeniable that the population in some developed countries the people are becoming increasingly overweight and this threatsthreatens their health and body shape directly. There are several reasons offor this alarming trend, butandcorrect remedial measures could certainlyneed to be taken to tackle the problem.

increase of overweight population

... I prefer if you say '' increase in the rate of overweight people''
OP dzung1991 2 / 3  
Nov 4, 2012   #4
Thank Dumi,

What about the two body graphs ? is it ok?
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Nov 4, 2012   #5
Well... the body paras are quite good with lots of meaningful facts. I found some grammar issues and I guess that you tend to make those mistakes when you write very lengthy sentences. So, avoid writing long sentences.

Firstly, in busy life, many people do not have time to makeprepare/ cook(better use one of these words ) meals, instead, they rely on fast foods which are incredibly high in fat, salt and sugar and are responsible for such ailment ascausing obesity.

Another explanation is that advancesadvancement in technology had caused less physical activities for the people(this part seems incomplete without a reason) , in particular to peoplethose who spend too much time in front of computer screens rather than relating social activities,and physical exercises in the real worldand aggravated the issue of obesity .
hvthoteen 16 / 44 4  
Nov 4, 2012   #6
i agree with dumi that dzung tends to write long sentences, which leads to some grammar mistakes
"For instance, taking an eco-friendly vehicle to work or travel, doing exercises regularly at least three times a week for twenty minutes and making a daily schedule in which breaks are involved."

this sentence is long but it's easy to see that it is not a complete sentence
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Dec 2, 2012   #7
There are several reasons of this alarming trend, but measures could certainly taken to tackle the problem.

There are several reasons for this alarming trend, but measures could be taken to tackle the problem.

There are a number of causes for the exponential growth in the average weight.

There are a number of causes for the exponential growth of the average weight.

Firstly, in busy life, many people do not have time to make meals, instead, they rely on fast foods which are incredibly high in fat, salt and sugar are responsible for such ailment as obesity.

People nowadays have a busy life and they do not have time to make meals for themselves. Instead they rely on fast foods which are high in fat, salt and sugar.

I think you have presented very good points in the last paragraph. Try to reduce the length of the sentences because I felt as if though they were a little too long. Try to correct the grammatical errors also. :)


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