Hi everyone, here is my toefl independent essay. Can someone help me take a look at it and give your feedback. I had to finish it within 30 mins so I used simple vocabulary in order to save time. Is it ok to do so? And please give your comments on its structure & organization.
Thanks a lot !!
Topic: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement:
Young people enjoy life more than older people do.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
My response:
Many adults have been wishing that they can go back to their childhood and enjoy their young life again. Childhood seems more enjoyable to them. However, do young people really enjoy life more than older people do? For me, I disagree with this statement. People in the three life stages-childhood, adulthood, and old age-have their unique and different enjoyments and happiness.
First of all, although young people enjoy a carefree life, this does not mean that their lives are more enjoyable, because life consists of many aspects and young people's enjoyment is only confined to one part in it. The enjoyment for young people is that they do not need to worry about making money or how to support a family. However, young people have their own bitterness-they have to go to school and be faced with intense academic competition. In this case, we cannot assert that young people enjoy life more, because they also have their own worries and life burden that is free from older people.
Secondly, older people can definitely live a life that is as enjoyable as childhood. Although some people tend to have a much more difficult life after entering adulthood, the reason for this is that they fail to see adulthood as different as childhood; in other word, they haven't realized that older people can have an enjoyable life by making other aspects of their lives flourishing. For example, many adults have opened their own business and become affluent and reputable. In this case, they are enjoying their life successfully. Also, people in old ages have their own happiness. They take pride in their families and enjoying bringing up children; moreover, they are cared by their sons/daughters who let them feel the warmth of the family. Therefore, people in different ages have can enjoy their lives in very different ways.
Lastly, those adults who wish to return to childhood have not found their really enjoyment. It is believed that happiness will not wait for us; rather, it is created and boosted uniquely by different persons. A child's carefree life is desirable for adults, but it is also impossible for them. At this point, adults should be aware that they can also enjoy as much as children do, as long as they fulfill their social responsibility and find their real pleasures.
To conclude, it is unwise to believe that older people cannot have the same amount of enjoyment as young people do. People at different ages have different things to enjoy and celebrate; therefore, everyone, no matter how old they are, can greatly enjoy his life as long as he can fulfill his ambitions and realize his own happiness.
Many adults have been wishingwish that they could go back to their childhood and enjoy their young life again.
Childhood seemed more enjoyable to them.
The enjoyment for young people is that they do not need to worry about making money or worry about how to support a family.
In this case, we cannot assert that young people enjoy life more, because they also have their own worries and life burdens that is free from older people are free of.
...fail to see adulthood as different as childhood; in other words , they haven't realized that older people can have an enjoyable life by making other aspects of their lives flourishing .
In this case, they are enjoying their lives successfully.
...moreover, they are cared for by their sons/daughters who let them feel the warmth of the family.
Lastly, those adults who wish to return to childhood have not found their true enjoyment.
You made some very good points, and I liked your ending a lot! Good luck in school and have fun!
:)
