Hii every one. I have writen an IELTS essay, and I really appreciate any comment!
the content of News media
Q:
Nowadays, there is a trend that reports of media focus on problems and emergencies rather than positive development. Some people think it is harmful to individuals and to society. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Nowadays news, including various fields such as crime or technology, is more reported in comparison with the past because of developing news resources. To address to concentrate on difficulties and emergencies, however, has sometimes adverse effects on persons and the community, I strongly agree that reporting this news has its own benefits.
To begin with, while watching and reading news about occasions that are unpleasant to people in which can depress them, obviously knowing about this kind of news gives them a sense of awareness. In fact, reporting news such as crime and offense people causes individuals' general knowledge to increase and definitely behave consciously. To exemplify this, illegal drugs trade and using these drugs by teenager helps parents be more careful of their children.
Furthermore, actually, deal with problems that happened around persons and solving difficulties is another noticeable reason why focusing on crisis news is markable. When people and governments aware of a catastrophe that occurs in other location or even in other countries can aid to people who fall in trouble to solve their problems. For illustration, a rural area that can destroy by a natural disaster like an earthquake if broadcast globally in media, people across the world send their donation to rebuilding and feeding to that area people. A vivid example of this news and people helping is the Sarpolezahab earthquake, a region in the west of Iran in which experienced an extreme earthquake about two years ago.
Finally, the other considerable result of lack of concentration to trouble news is increasing of the illegal act and delinquent persons in a society. In fact, when offenders do not introduce in news programs or newspapers, it may be encouraged persons who attend wrongdoing. For example, some lawbreakers shame that is on the headline of news and broadcasting the world, so do not focus on bad news increase the number of people who commit the crime.
In conclusion, albeit the negative aspect of unpleasant news has some drawbacks in human life, in my opinion, the advantages of having information about bad events outweigh the drawbacks.Hi, I believe you tried all your best to write this essay. It is quite obvious with topic sentences in each paragraph and shows your knowledge and ability to use vocabulary.
However, in my opinion, it could be better if you focus on explaining your ideas clearer and more detailed. Sometimes, I just feel a little lack of persuasion as the body 1 & 3. And the essay might be too long, I just worry you would be lack of time in the real test.
Hope that you will pass your exam! good luck
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,801 
4780 Your prompt restatement fails to present an understandable idea or representation of the original prompt. This is the most problematic part of your essay that will gain it a score of 1. While your response is properly formatted, the paraphrasing is unclear and does not deliver an explanation that is understandable to the reader.
The rest of the response paragraphs suffer the same problem. Each paragraph is confusing to read. You not capable of developing cohesive ideas. You lack proper sentence structuring which proves that you do not have any organizational control over your thought process and writing (in English). This is clearly seen because you have a problem with controlling your word usage within sentences.
The essay is not going to get a passing score mainly because the total presentation is incomprehensible. You need to better build your vocabulary and devote more time to simple sentence skills development first.
