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Balance between both indoor and outdoor activities as they both are essential


ArezuF 3 / 5  
Jun 5, 2013   #1
It is apparent for almost all people that children need to know more and more about electronic gadgets and how to use them as long as they want to keep pace with modern life. On the other hand, some parents are concerned about the way their children are getting used to spend their time with computer and electronic entertainment for the sheer amount of time while they do not even care about outdoor activities. It would be useful if we know more about plus and bad points of both views.

Not being out of touch with modern life, children are supposed to use computer and watch screen media and since they could be really tempting, they might end up working with them for a long time. Meanwhile, schools assign more and more homework that children are not able to do without using computer and it is plain, the more children use computer, the more they become addicted to it.

In contrast, direct exposure to nature and doing outdoor activities are essential for children in order to get to know more about both the environment and how to communicate with other people. In addition, parents should encourage their children to spend some time outdoor, playing with their friends and working out, provided that they are concerned about rise in obesity in their children.

As it was mentioned above, it is clear that parents cannot stop their children using modern gadgets since they live in a modern world. On the other hand, being in society and among other people are crucial for children. From my point of view, parents are supposed to help their children to make balance between both indoor and outdoor activities as they both are essential.

jkjeremy - / 380 72  
Jun 5, 2013   #2
It is apparent for almost all people

This is redundant.

keep pace with

cliche

On the other hand

cliche

getting used to

cliche

do not even care

cliche

plus and bad points

merits and flaws

out of touch

cliche

since they could be really tempting

Who's the "they" to whom you refer?

a long time

cliche

using computer

using computers

addicted to it

What is "it"?

direct exposure...are essential

exposure IS

get to know

cliche

As it was mentioned above

Then don't mention it again!

On the other hand

cliche

being...are crucial

IS crucial

From my point of view

Your name's already on the paper (at least I presume so).

Other thoughts...

---The word "outdoor" shows up more than twice.
---The same goes for "activities."

You don't need to say anything more than once.

---There's at least one misused comma here.
OP ArezuF 3 / 5  
Jun 5, 2013   #3
Thank u very much jkjeremy 4 ur help in advance. by the way, i'd like 2 tell u it's an ielts topic and i wrote my writing based on ielts. im not sure but i think maybe some phrases which u mentioned as cliche is ok in ielts exam, i'll be glad if u tell me whether i think right or not.
Dunham - / 1  
Jun 5, 2013   #4
It is apparent for almost all people that children need to know more and more about electronic gadgets and how to use them as long as they want to keep pace with modern life. On the other hand , some parents are concerned about the way their children are getting used to spend their time with computer and electronic entertainment for the sheer amount of time while they do not even care about outdoor activities. It would be useful if we know more about plus and bad points of both views.

Not being out of touch with modern life, children are supposed to use computer and watch screen media and since they could be really tempting, they might end up working with them for a long time. Meanwhile, schools assign more and more homework that children are not able to do without using computer and it is plain, the more children use computer, the more they become addicted to it.

In contrast, direct exposure to nature and doing outdoor activities are essential for children in order to get to know more about both the environment and how to communicate with other people. In addition, parents should encourage their children to spend some time outdoor, playing with their friends and working out, provided that they are concerned about rise in obesity in their children.

As it was mentioned above, it is clear that parents cannot stop their children using modern gadgets since they live in a modern world = because of living in a modern world On the other hand = besides that , being in society and among other people are crucial for children. From my point of view, parents are supposed to help their children to make balance between both indoor and outdoor activities as they both are essential.

I will use different structures to make better essay
jkjeremy - / 380 72  
Jun 5, 2013   #5
If you've heard a phrase more than a few times, then it's not yours.

Strong writers use only their own words.
OP ArezuF 3 / 5  
Jun 6, 2013   #6
thanx Dunham in advance. by the way, as i know, it's better not to use "besides" in our writing, i guess "furthermore", "in addition", "moreover" and ... are much more appropriat and "on the other hand" shows contrast and doesn't have the same meaning as "besides", and i think "since" and "as" are better than "because".
ankush 1 / 2  
Jun 11, 2013   #7
u didn't follow the ielts pattern solely where introduction could be better...some repetitions..
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Jun 13, 2013   #8
ArezuF:It is apparent for almost all people
This is redundant.

.... I agree with ArezuF ... redundancy makes your essay boring.

It is apparent for almost all people that children need to know more and more about electronic gadgets and how to use them as long as they want to keep pace with modern life.

Like every person, children too need to learn how to use computers and other electronic devices in order keep pace with the modern lifestyle.
Well.... you haven't given us your prompt. So we don't know what it expects from you. Include your prompt next time, so that we can provide you with more relevant feed back.


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