please give feedback on my essay, thanks so much
Sports which depend on violence for their entertainment, such as boxing and wrestling, have no place in a civilized society and should be banned.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
With the pressures and bustles in modern life, sport is considered as one of the best form of entertainments. In recent years, the popularity of sports containing violent factors has led to the heated controversy over the question whether they should be banned or not. Many people hold a strong view suggesting that combat sports cannot be existed in a civilized society. However, from my point of view, it should be made illegal due to the reasons presented in this essay.
To begin with, in a well-organized and developed society, people have the rights to decide which sports are suitable to practice and entertain. In other words, the prohibition can be used to illustrate for fossilizing human civilization to the past and restricting the development of human's rights. Furthermore, if boxing and wrestling are not allowed to play, law systems generate the unfairness between them with other sports which also cause some serious injuries or even death such as extreme sports and contact sports.
Similarly, combat sports benefit society in many ways. In specific, it is a suitable method for improving health's communities when people do exercise reasonably. Moreover, people can use it to defend themselves in may dangerous situations. Whilst women, for example, use it to against criminal rapes, men can protect themselves in a society where violence is increasing considerably. Last but not least, by imposing taxes on sport entertainment industry, government can get money for social budget, using for charity and succour purposes, or improving the living condition of residents.
All in all, the is no denying that fighting sports have advantages for both individuals and socities. Therefore, I would like to emphasize and reiterate that instead of banning them, we should permit them in controllable scales.
The presentation of the reasons behind your support of the ban on violent sports is a bit confusing. I believe that most of the essence of your sentiments gets lost in translation. So let me help you clean up the essay :-)
With the pressures and bustles in modern life, sport is considered as one of the best form of entertainments .
-... pressures
of modern life...
Many people hold a strong view suggesting that combat sportscannot be existed in a civilized society.
- combat sports
should not exist in...
due to the reasons presented in this essay.
- reasons
I will present in...
-
Let me try to rephrase this for you :
In a civilized society, ancient and barbaric sports should not be tolerated because violent sports such as boxing and wrestling are allowed to violate the laws of the land banning violent acts upon one another. Even if seen in terms of sports, these acts often cause life threatening injuries or death since these are extreme contact sports.-
Combat sports have been said to have health and security benefits for individuals. In a properly controlled environment, where the violent sport is played under strict supervision and without the intent to hurt one another, people can gain health benefits from the contact sport as a form of exercise. Men and women can also learn the contact sport to help protect themselves when they find themselves in dangerous situations.-
Since you are talking about these violent sports as having no place in modern society, you should not mention any benefits for the government. Rather, you should point out the rise in public violence due to these contact sports.-
There is no denying that violent sports have its benefits and drawbacks for a civilized society. Given the dangers of the violent sports to those participating in them for entertainment purposes, it is important that these sports be banned as a form of entertainment and only be allowed as a form of sport in a controlled environment.Here's hoping that my suggestions help to further improve your essay :-)
