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IELTS WRITING TASK 2: A BAN ON ALL FORMS OF ADVERTISING? SHOULD OR SHOULD NOT?


Linh Dieu 8 / 16 1  
Aug 16, 2018   #1
Hi everyone, I am new learner and I'm here to improve my writing skill. Hoping you will help me correct my essay by leaving some comments. Thank you all.

A BAN ON ALL FORMS OF ADVERTISING?



In modern world, the speed of globalisation will lead to the expand of foreign trade and domestic trade, especially advertisements of those business to customers. Advertisements have created advantages to both customers and business by their effects in large sphere. So if we enforce a ban to all forms of advertising, we may lost much profits and advantage than prevent its drawbacks.

Firstly, advertising is one of the fastest ways to approach technology, information of many social and economic aspects such as business, information technology, education,... in various forms like articles, online magazines, videos,.. and people no longer have to find their needs in traditional ways but connect to Internet. Many forms of advertising connect expectations of people by using colors, funny images and brief informations which remark goods' features and people can easily choose which ones will best suit their needs. So, people will not squander their time in selecting wares, or can watch them by entertained purpose.

Secondly, the revenue from advertising is huge receipts, which can decide many business's incomes. Google is a typical example of this, with PR Google Adwords. Advertisements have grown many business such as Instagram, Clash of Clans, Tinder, or Snapchat, which help these companies gain competitive edges in market. Predicted profit of these apps is 100 billion USD in 2020, which boost their future in particular ways. This number will influence economic growth, and draws investments from other country to develop and solve many financial problems of each business and country.

To sum up, the profit of advertising in both customer's suitable needs and economy problems are undeniable. If we can manage the way we consume this new technology with selected and conscious thoughts, we will have precise choices for our lives and prompt business to make the most of their resources.

tamcsp 1 / 3  
Aug 16, 2018   #2
Hello Linh,

You vocab is amazing, strong with tons of leveraged words and your grammar is somewhat perfect.

...n will lead to the expansion of foreign ...(I think the cohesion is weak here. Why advertisements - any connections btw globalization - expansion?) Advertisements have created advantages to ...(you can check on google "create advantages". Quite not the collocation) So if we enforce a ban to ...(unclear. I think you can read it again to the see what you want to convey)

Overall, I think simplicity is the best in writing. If you use google more, you might be able to find better ways to convey what you want without circumvention. And if possible, you can spend some time reading articles on the topic to get ideas, good topic-related expressions, and many more.

Please try other ways of "...". You can put a full stop.

Best of luck with your next draft!
Holt - / 7,529 2001  
Aug 17, 2018   #3
Ngo, your prompt paraphrase is not proper. I say that because a properly paraphrased prompt will explain the subject, reason for the discussion, and offer a presentation regarding the discussion instruction to the reader. The purpose of the opening paraphrase is not to discuss the topic immediately but rather, to explain to importance of the discussion topic and mode of discussion so that the reader will know what information to expect in the body of paragraphs. In this instance, I believe you did a prompt deviation because, as per the title of this essay the discussion topic is whether all advertising forms should or should not be banned. Then your discussion topic instead became a presentation of the drawbacks and benefits of advertising. So there are 2 opposing discussions here and I cannot determine which discussion is the correct one because your prompt paraphrase is inaccurate and you did not post the original prompt either.

You are misusing punctuation marks in this essay. You must never mix the use of a comma and ellipses in a given sentence. A comma indicates an additional statement is to follow. Ellipses implies that there are additional statements made but not included in the presentation. Since you are writing an academic essay, there is no need to ever use the ellipses in a presentation. That is more used in creative essays rather than academic ones.


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