Some people believe that children should be banned from using their phones during the school day. Others believe that children should be allowed to use their phones.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
Some people are of the opinion that phones should be banned from being used during school day. However, some people are opposed to this idea, claiming that students should be allowed to use mobile phones. From my perspective, parents should let their children use their phones during the school day, and I will further elaborate in this essay.
It seems clear that phone should be used during school day for several reasons. Aside from calling for an emergency, students make use of their phones to do research. With the colossal amount of information on the Internet, learners can easily look up whatever they are required to. For example, during a science class, teachers ask the students to do a survey on solar system (or anything impossible to see), the only way to learn about it is collecting information on the Internet.
While phones are encouraged to be used wisely, some people recommend excluding it from being used at school. Some parents may have fear for their children not paying attention in class. Using mobile phones for personal reasons during class can result in several consequences. Phones can be allowed to use but can also be prohibited, depending on the time of the students using their phone. If it happened to be banned, parents should only take it after class. For instance, were their children happen to be in trouble in class, they would directly call you up for help. In truth, some imperative measures ought to be taken to resolve the problem if any students use their phones during class. Teachers should collect all of them at the beginning of the class and give them back at the end of the lesson.
In conclusion, phones should be let use during school day but for a period of time to make sure that students can concentrate on their lesson appropriately.
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You have not changed the original prompt presentation to the point of presenting your understanding of the original idea. You have used too many of the original reference points without changing the words. The restatement section will be seen as being more of a cut and paste job on your part rather than a presentation of the original, based upon how you understood it. That means the TA score will not be good for this section, most specially since there is no clear opinion outline in the thesis sentence part at the end. The examiner already knows you will elaborate on your response, what he wants to know is, the reason for your response that you will be expanding on in the 3 paragraphs to follow.
You have to use third person pronouns in the first 2 reasoning paragraphs . That is because you are presenting the opinion of other people and explaining their belief. While others will tell you that you should avoid using pronouns and make general statements instead, please remember that your GRA score is based upon your understanding of how to properly use English grammar rules, that includes pronoun usage. Without the pronoun usage in the third person, the essay becomes solely a personal general statement, which is not the purpose of the essay.
I think that you should not use word 'whatever' because it is informal. Also, you can write off the phrase 'or anything impossible to see', it is not necessity. That's all I can say because I'm not so good at writing