The bar chart compares the projected and actual criminal incidents in 2009 and 2018.

Feb 5, 2017 #1

Crime statistics

The graph below shows the perceived danger and actual likelihood of being a victim of crime.

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Hello. This is my practice for IELTS writing task 1. Thanks in advance for your feedback :)
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The bar chart compares the projected and actual criminal incidents in 2009 and 2018. The data is measured in percent and covers 3 types of crimes which are burglary, car crime, and violent crime. It is noticeable that all of them crimes were overestimated and the most common case was car crime in both years.

The gaps between predicted and actual cases of all categories were immense, either in 2009 or in 2010. All of the three types had much greater envisaged percentage, but the hugest among them was experienced by car crime. This criminal act witnessed more than 20% gap in 2009 and about 5% lower in the next year. Meanwhile, the other two types only experienced more or less a tenth gaps.

A closer look at the date shows that car crime cases stood out as the most frequent criminal action estimated and happened. Although its prediction which was previously projected to be 20% fell by roughly 5% in 2010, the real case proportion remained the same. The prediction for burglary and violent crime also saw similar percentages and trends, both smaller in 2010. In reality, violence happened more often than burglary, however.

thuy_nguyet 5 / 13

Feb 5, 2017 #2

I don't study IELTS and how to judge a chart but in my opinion, your judgement is very good. However, I think why you don't do this essay with the structure:

- Paragraph 1: give overall info about the chart such as which kind of chart (bar, line,...), show what (criminal rate), what time (between year and year), where (in US, Indo,...).

- Paragraph 2: Judge about car crime (It is increase or not, how much percent,... and it change the most).
- Paragraph 3: Judge about violent crime.
- Paragraph 4: Judge about burgar crime (change the least).
- The final paragaph: In conclusion for 3 crime.

I think it more easier for reading.

Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,801

4780

Feb 6, 2017 #3

Daniette, when you present information based on dates or years in your statement, make sure that you present the digits in the same chronological manner. So the presentation for your information in the opening statement should have indicated "actual and projected crime incidents in 2009 and 2018" instead. Also, the more proper term for the chart would be a Histogram instead of a bar chart. A bar chart is a different kind of chart. The term "huge" does not change in tense pattern either. It is the same whether it is used in past, present, or future form. Using the term "hugest" would have a definite effect on your lexical resource score. The rest of the essay contains minimal grammar errors which did not put undue stress on the reader so it is negligible in terms of your essay development mistakes. The message of the paragraph can still be understood.

akbarmappiare 31 / 469

275

Feb 6, 2017 #4

Hi Daniette, I am gonna try offering advice for improvement of your writing. I appreciate your effort to present the writing like this. Your overview is simple, but it is meaningful. You picked the sentence up to describe the condition of the bar. I agree there is a huge gap between a prediction and reality.

However, you need paying attention to the data. You transfer the data by using the inappropriate information.

crime. This criminal act witnessed more than 20% gap in 2009 and about 5% lower in the next year

It will seem as the real condition although that data was obtained from the projected data. Be careful of analyzing the data because it can also reduce your score. It can affect your score in the task achievement. There were a few errors grammatically. You can get the higher score on condition you can review your errors detailed to make it better in the next term. I suggest you can allocate time for approximately 3 minutes in the last section to correct your grammar. Besides that, you can recheck information which you display in the writing.

I really like reading this because you avoid the redundant sentences. That is the short paragraph but can cover important information and present the meaningful paragraph. You only need making your move smoother. Using the proper transition word is the alternative solution to do it.

Practicing more and more is to adapt with the writing task 1.
happy writing. Good luck