Unanswered [19] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 6

IELTS task 1 (bar chart showing modes of transport of children)


chanyinyui 2 / 6 1  
May 26, 2019   #1

How kids commute to schools



TOPIC:
The chart below shows the number of trips made by children in one country in 1990 and 2010 to travel to and from school using different modes of transport. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

MY ESSAY:

The bar chart demonstrates the number of trips taken by children between the age of 5 to 12 in one country in 1990 and 2010 respectively. It also shows the transportation modes that children take when travel from and to school.

In 1990, the majority of children go to school and back home by walking. It has more than 12 million and nearly a double of all the other transportation modes. Car passenger, cycling, walking and bus, and bus are relatively less popular. None of these modes has more than 8 million.

The phenomenon was very different in the year of 2010. Car passenger has sky rocketed from around 4 million to more than 11 million. In contrast, walking, cycling, walking and bus, and bus decreased significantly. It is worthy to notice that the number of children who go to and from school by walking and cycling dropped by more than half.

In general, it can be observed that the pattern transportation mode has undergone significant changes, with car passenger has become more popular.

---------------------------------------------
please help me to mark my essay and give me some feedback with a band score.

thanks!!!!


  • bar chart

xyanuaaa 2 / 4 1  
May 26, 2019   #2
@chanyinyui
You can add "Looking at the given bar chart, it is obvious that" in the first of paragraph 2 to make your writting longer and more coherent

Paraphrase some word from the given topic:
- children = offspring
- the number of = the amount of
- in 1990 to 2010 = in a period of 1 year starting in 1990
It's just my point of view :))
OP chanyinyui 2 / 6 1  
May 26, 2019   #3
thanks so much for your feedback!
Dang Khoa 11 / 44  
May 27, 2019   #4
Personally, i would give it a 5.5 band. There are a lot of words have been used already. You have a synonym for modes like means for example.

"Car passenger has sky rocketed from around 4 million to more than 11 million". This makes me confused because it was not clear and specific. If you write it like that. People would think that car passenger has been produced alot, you know what i mean? So that's it. I'm just a student who gives my personal point about your essay so it's not really accurate or assure anything that i'm right

So... good luck and hope you do better in the future :)
OP chanyinyui 2 / 6 1  
May 27, 2019   #5
thank you for your comment,

would it be better if i write ' the amount of car passenger has skyrocketed from around 4 million to more than 11 million'? thanks a lot!!
buiminhese 4 / 6 1  
Jun 11, 2019   #6
Dear chanyinyui,

For this essay, I suggest some points:
1. Pay attention to your tenses. The statistics in this chart were collected in 1990 and 2010, so you should use the past tense instead of the present tense.

2. I think it should be "passenger car'', not "car passenger". "Car passenger has sky rocketed ..." should be written as "the number of trips by car skyrocketed from around 4 million to more than 11 million".


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1 (bar chart showing modes of transport of children)