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Task 1: Bar chart shows the different modes of transport used to travel to and from work


SYDA 11 / 21 2  
Nov 29, 2016   #1
please help to know my mistake and mark in 4 criterion in writing task 2: task achievement, coherence and cohesion, lexical resource, grammatical range and accuracy. If i want get 7 plus band ...what to do in this writing.

Bar chart shows the different modes of transport used to travel to and from work in one European city in 1960, 1980 and 2000.

A breakdown of information about the changing patterns of transport use in a European city in forty years from 1960 to 2000 is presented in bar chart. Overall, it is important to note that a significant increase was in the use of the car as a means of transport, while the popularity of bike use and walking habit decreased, and the use of bus experienced a fluctuation during the period.

In 1960, the proportion of use of motor car was least with only about 7% , but this use rocketed to 23 percent in 1980. It then continued to finally reach about 37% 2000, a massive 5-fold increase in use in forty years.

In contrast, as transport mode, Bicycle and foot had been experienced a downward trend. Foot was the trendiest means of transport with 35% in 1960, but this plummeted to a low of 9% during the period. Likewise,bicycle use fell from a high of about 27% in 1960 to just 7% in 2000. However, the figure for bus use went up, by 8% from the 1960 figure of 19% before falling back to about 18% in 2000.

thanks in advance.. :)




Dioba 68 / 104 7  
Nov 29, 2016   #2
... is presented in bar chart and is measured in percent . Overall, it is important to note that ...---> introduction sentence consist of paraphrase the question, the measurement of the graph and your overview.

... and walking habit decreased, and the use of bus experienced a fluctuation during the period. ---> the bus is not fluctuate, you need more than 2 upward points and 2 downward points so you can say it fluctuate

to get score 7, you need to present a clear overview of main trends,differences, or stages(based on band descriptor)

you should paraphrase the percentage, so your summary not looks like monotonous. (ex: 25% = a quarter, 7,8,9%= a minority)

to boost your score, you have to use less common vocabularies.

Keep writing and break a leg.
OP SYDA 11 / 21 2  
Nov 29, 2016   #3
Hi Dioba,Thanks for correction. please see it , here is corrected one.

A breakdown of information about the shifting patterns of using transportation ...

**please help to know my mistake and mark in 4 criterion in writing task 2: task achievement, coherence and cohesion, lexical resource, grammatical range and accuracy. If i want get 7 plus band ...what to do in this writing.**
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 778 309  
Nov 29, 2016   #4
Syeda, apart from the above-mentioned feedback, you need to complete the way that you present the information in the overview / introduction of your essay. It is unfortunate that you created only two sentences in what was otherwise a very strong start to your essay. Your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented. If you want to get 7 in the actual test, format your opening statement into at least three sentences this way:

A breakdown of the information... (1st sentence)
The values are measured... (2nd sentence)
Overall, it is important to note that... (3rd sentence)


The first body of your essay also has the same problem. If you don't serve up the information from the chart in the proper way within the essay, you will badly damage your final grade in the essay. I suggest that you approach the first body in the following manner:

In 1960, the proportion... (1st sentence)
It then continued... (2nd sentence)
In addition,... (3rd sentence)


Keep in mind that each paragraph of your essay needs to have at least 3 sentences in each before it can even be considered acceptable by the examiner. The idea is to have you present a complete thought and understanding of all the aspects of the chart you were provided. By limiting yourself to only 2 sentences per paragraph, you fail to display your ability to express yourself in the English language, which is a major component of the scoring system.

Hope this helps :)


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