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The bar chart shows the employment rate of males and females in South Africa, Chile, Finland, Norway


Kevin Huy 1 / 1  
Dec 15, 2021   #1
Hi everyone! I'm a newbie. Please help me with this essay!
Can anyone please estimate a band score and some advice so that I can improve my writing skill?

IELTS TASK 1: Employment Rates of four Countries



The graph below shows the employment rates of 4 countries:

Here is my essay:

The given bar chart shows the employment rate of males and females in South Africa, Chile, Finland and Norway in 2002.

In general, the employment rate of males in all four countries is higher than the rate of females. The rate of men and women in Finland and Norway is almost the same. However, in South Africa, the rate of these two genders is slightly different and there is a big gap in Chile.

Specifically, in comparison of the employment rate of males in all four countries, the bar graph shows that Norway has the highest employment rate, which is about 80% then following that is the rate in Chile and Finland which are almost similar to 70% and South Africa has the lowest employment rate of male. On the other hand, in terms of comparing the female employment rate, Norway is the country that not only has the highest employment rate of males but also the rate of females. Moreover, South Africa still stands in the last position, Finland is the second and Chile is the third one.

To sum up, the employment rate of males and females in four countries in 2002 are almost different from others. Only, Finland and Chila both have a similar male employment rate.



Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,410 4391  
Dec 15, 2021   #2
When you write the summary overview, of which the trending statement is included, you will need to limit the information for your trend. In this current presentation, you actually began a comparison discussion already, which should be presented in the next 2 paragraphs. The trend should only indicate the first sentence. The rest is an over statement already. You should be careful never to start the discussion in the trending paragraph. Good work on the summary overview though. The examiner would have preferred to see at least 2 summary sentences rather than this long and compressed sentence, you managed to avoid confusing the reader with the provided information so the run-on deductions will not be too severe.

Specifically

This is a connecting word. It is often used to connect a previous sentence idea to the next one. It is not used at the start of a sentence, much less at the start of a paragraph. Why? There is no information to connect at that point yet. The trending paragraph stands alone and should not continue into the reporting paragraphs.

To sum up,

There is no concluding statement requirement in the task 1 essay. There is no opinion discussion presented in this task, so there is no need to summarize or close the discussion. Your approach is actually incorrect if we consider the paragraph format for the task. The format is:

Paragraph 1 - Summary overview + trending statement
Paragraph 2 - Analytical report
Paragraph 3 - Comparative analysis
Paragraph 4 - (Optional, used only when 2 images are provided) Additional discussion points

I apologize but I cannot offer you a score for this essay. You have to contact me privately for the rubic based scoring analysis of your essay. Scores are not part of our free review services.


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