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TASK 1 - BAR GRAPH - ANNUAL RIDERSHIP; public transport in Williamsville


hunghoiham2608 1 / 2  
Nov 23, 2017   #1
This is my essay for the Ielts Writing task 1. I would be grateful if someone here sends me some comments!

TASK 1 - BAR GRAPH - ANNUAL RIDERSHIP



The bar graph shows how many passengers travelled by two means of public transports in the city of Williamsville yearly from 2011 to 2015. The numbers of rides are significant different between bus and subway throughout the 5-year period.

The number of bus annual riderships stayed nearly the same between 2011 and 2015. A little under 450 million rides taken on bus in 2011. Then, there was a modest growth from 2011 to 2012, when 450 million bus ridings were recorded in 2012. Another slight rise was discerned from the graph between 2013 and 2014, and 2014 saw the highest number of bus ridership.

Subway annual ridership, on the other hand, increased steadily over 5 years. 2011 was the year with the least rides taken by subway, with a little over 600 million rides, which was around one and a half times as much as the number of bus ridings in the same year. This number rose gradually until it reached the highest in 2015, with about 750 million rides by subway.

In general, the annual number of rides taken on bus did not vary too much between the 5-year period, and the number of subway riderships is much more than that of bus ridings.

(205 words)




Holt - / 7,528 2001  
Nov 23, 2017   #2
John, the final sentence presentation that you have in this essay is the more effective trending statement. You should have used that instead of the weak trending statement that you presented in the opening paraphrase. By the way, you need to be consistent in all of your sentences. You cannot have paragraphs with only 2 sentences then paragraphs with 4 sentences. You cannot have paragraphs with less than 3 sentences in them. That is a direct ruling for the C&C score. In addition to that, you also forgot to include the discussion instruction sentence in the opening paraphrase. You need to make sure that you present a proper and complete paraphrase of the discussion topic and instructions in order to gain the highest possible TA score for your presentation in that paragraph. Your information presentation is relevant and accurate enough based upon the information in the graph. However, you wrote a concluding representation when that is not required of the Task 1 essay. It is because of this concluding statement that you accidentally presented 2 trending statements when one was sufficient enough for the essay to be scored accurately.
akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Nov 26, 2017   #4
Hi Mr. John.
I have reviewed your essay closely and found a few errors . Hopefully, you can improve your skill through these suggestions.

Firstly, you have to be careful of paraphrasing the statement. The meaning of passengers and rides is so different. I know that you want to show your ability in lexical resource, but we are supposed to pay attention to the meaning. For your overview, you could get the higher score. You needed making the overview more interesting. For example, "The mode of subway always used to attract most rides over the period shown".

For your grouping, you found a difficulty to obtain the high score in task achievement because you grouped your data separately. I meant that your job in the writing task 1 is to compare figures, not to describe them separately. Well, you might compared the data, but it only happened once. You should compare both modes in all paragraphs. To make it more attractive, you can separate your paragraphs based on years, 2011-2013 and 2014-2015. Lastly, in writing task 1, you do not need to write conclusion, only the overview.

Hopefully, you can meet my advice and deal with it.
GOOD LUCK


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