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The bar graph illustrates the change of sales of three entertainment categories worldwide

tung126 2 / 2  
Apr 28, 2021   #1

IELTS Writing Task 1: Bar chart - global sales

The chart below gives information about global sales of games software, CDs and DVD or video.

The bar graph illustrates the change of sales of 3 entertainment categories worldwide in billion dollars from 2000 to 2003.

Overall, it is obvious that all three types fluctuated over the period. Both games software and DVD/video saw an upward trend while the opposite was true for CDs.

In 2000, the sales of games software were about 15 billion dollars, whereas the DVD/video's was about 19 billion dollars. Both were progressively increased over 3 years with the domination of DVD/video over games software over 3 years before standing at slightly over 30 billion dollars and approximately 19 billion dollars in 2003 as the aforementioned order.

Starting at around 35 billion dollars, the sales of CDs dropped gradually at the beginning of the period, down to over 30 billion dollars in 2002 before stabilizing for a year.

Thank you for the feedback!

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,630 3477  
Apr 30, 2021   #2
Try to avoid writing extra long sentences. While you think that you are writing a comprehensive paper and analytics, you actual are not. That is because of the lack of clarity in your report. Every sentence must have one idea alone so as to allow the reader to understand your content. At this rate your extra long sentences just create several GRA errors in your presentation, incompletely developed paragraph explanations, and run - on sentences. You seem to misunderstand that long sentences do not automatically equate into a complex sentence. The sentence structures tend to be problematic as you are not focused on information clarity and sentence coherence.

I teach my students that proper outlining, drafting, and sentence limitations of 5 sentences within 3 paragraphs offer a better scoring potential than 4 separate paragraphs of less than 3 sentences. Those are usually the more problematic presentations due to lack of paragraph coherence and cohesiveness.

I am not sure if you are willing to change your writing style to the one I teach, but my students never score less than a 7.5 using my methods. The choice is yours. I cannot continue to teach you if you do not adjust to my writing style. If you prefer to keep your current method, then please have your essays reviewed by your previous tutor. I cannot help you learn and improve your scores using someone else's writing style.

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