The bar graph illustrates the proportion of Australian males and females doing sport exercises IELTS

physical workout among australians in 2010

QUESTION:
The bar chart below shows the percentage of australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

ANSWER:

The given bar graph illustrates the proportion of Australian males and females in doing sport exercises during the period of 2010.

The main fact to emerge from the chart is that the women tend to spare their time to do physical work out rather than men during the time frame. In addition, while the highest interest of males in doing sport exercises shown in the youngest age group (15-24 years old), the females' enthusiasm appeared in adult age group (45-54 years old) instead.

In 2010, the majority of women in Australia frequently did physical work out when they were 45-54 years old with just over a half of the total proportion. Moreover, younger the women were, less interested they allocated their time for a regular physical sport with the proportion was 53%. Meanwhile, the majority of men did physical activities in the youngest age group (15-24 years old) with the proportion nearly 53%.

In addition, the figure in males countered the least percentage in 35-44 years old of age group and continued to rise in the following age groups. On the other hand, the women emerged a rapid decline from 55-64 years old to 65 years old and over age group. Interestingly, althought this trend occurred continuously, it still dominated the figure as a whole with the percentage was between 47-53% for the last two age group.

(227 Words)

Please kindly give band score mark for my essay and suggestions in order to boost my score since i aim for band 7.

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Some suggestions i can think of:
- "The main fact to emerge from the chart"
Sounds really weird and unnatural; try changing it to "What could be observed from the chart"
- "do physical work out" is like going to the gym; the question uses "physical activity" and you should paraphrases as close to that as possible

- it was only a year; a "time frame" sounds unnatural in this case
- "while the highest interest of ..." sounds weird again
could be "the proportion of males that showed their highest interest in doing these exercises are those who belong to the youngest age group"
- "... regular physical sport with the proportion was 53%."
i did not understand what you mean here...
- with the proportion being 53%
- " the figure in males countered the least ..."
your sentences can be very weird in structure and word choice; try finding another way to express this that is easier for you to write and others to read

- more weird sentences followed; i can understand what you mean but they way you say it is grammatically incorrect

In overall, try presenting this to a tutor or someone you trust to point out your grammatical errors. I'm a learner myself, and i'm not sure i can tell you the correct thing to do...

Siti, I am not sure why your writing skills fell apart in the task 1 essay. I guess you have a problem with analysis reports so you have to work extra hard on this type of essay test. Why am I saying this? It is because the score for this type of writing cannot be higher than a 4. I acknowledge the fact that you had some apprehensions about the way that you wrote this essay, which is why you asked for suggestions about how to fix it. In order to know what you have to pay attention to fixing in the next task 1 essay, I have to tell you what the problems you have, per scoring criteria are:

TA - You did not fully represent the information from the chart, starting from your opening paraphrase, you already made severe mistakes in your discussion. The opening paraphrase lacks:

1. A description of the measurement type
2. The age groups being represented in the chart for males and females
3. The instruction for analyzing the essay which is, reporting the main features and then making comparisons where relevant.
- You placed important information in a parenthesis which means the information is unimportant. All of the information in the chart is important. Nothing is optional. You have to report the data as delivered in the bar graph. That means, not making estimates where actual figures are represented.

C&C - Your ideas are not presented in a manner that is easily understandable to the reader. There is a clear lack of ability to present a coherent and cohesive explanation in each paragraph.

LR - You have almost no control over word formation and your errors cause problems for the reader in terms of understanding what you want to say.

GRA - Sentence development and grammar presentations are severely faulty causing the reader to experience stress in trying to understand your explanation of the report.

I apologize for saying this but I have to be truthful here. This is the worst essay you have written so far. I hope to see you apply corrections to the problem points in the next essay. Keep practicing. That is the only way you can become better at this.