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Task 1 Ielts: Bar graphs about the sales of music albums

tran14 12 / 26 7  
Aug 11, 2017   #1
The graph below shows the type of music albums purchased by people in Britain according to sex and age.

british customers interested in purchasing music alums

The bar graphs give an overview about the percentages of British customers divided into sexes and ranges of age who pour their money on 3 different sorts of music albums. It can be clearly seen from the illustrations that pop and rock music are thoroughly trendy among male, 16 - 24, 25 - 34 and 35 - 44 users while classical one is preferred by 25 - 34 and 45+ purchasers.

According to the first 2 graphs, pop music and rock music share many similarities. Listeners ranging around 25 - 34 years old and 45+ years old made up the highest and lowest percentages respectively in both graphs. However, the figures for rock slightly overcome pop's ones.

Much as customers above 45 seem to pay little or those mentioned products, they bare the most striking characteristic in terms of classical music's sales. These people accounted or up to a fifth of the final graph, which means the budget they spend on this kind double that on the others. It is interesting to note that the rate of 16 - 24 and 35 - 44 buyers witnessed a sharp decline in this section compared to those purchasing for pop and rock, with the former occupied just a minority of a hundredth whereas the latter established approximately 2.5%.

I would utterly appreciate it if you score my essay as well.

Holt [Contributor] - / 9,758 3087  
Aug 11, 2017   #2
Tran, when you write the summary overview, do not begin the discussion immediately by presenting actual information. The requirement for the summary is that you only detail the topic for discussion, the type of chart presented in the illustration, what the discussion requirements are, and how you plan to present the discussion to the reader. The trending discussion that you presented in the first paragraph should have been placed in the second paragraph instead since that is a totally different and fully developed discussion on its own. Remember, it's one full discussion per paragraph. Not 2 half developed discussions per paragraph. Also, rather than using fractional terms in your presentation, use percentage estimates instead. That would be the better and safer estimation term to use since the graph information was offered in percentage terms and would therefore, be easier for the reader to understand. Your second paragraph lacks information. It is just hanging there. You require a 3rd sentence to complete the paragraph. What information do you have on hand that will confirm that rock overtook pop in the graphs? Always make sure that you represent each phase of information in the essay. As for the final score, I think you would get around a 5 overall for this sort of work in an actual setting.
OP tran14 12 / 26 7  
Aug 11, 2017   #3
Thank you for your useful advice ^^
ulanter - / 1  
Aug 11, 2017   #4
I can only suggest you to improve visuals of statistical graphs by creating them in microsoft/en-gb/store/b/office because they looks too sloppy on your screenshot.

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