Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

BAR & LINE GRAPH - three dimensions on the screens

gigihes 1 / -  
Feb 7, 2017   #1
Please help me to asses my writing, thank you

3D technology during 2005 to 2012

The given line graph illustrates the number of screen especially 3D cinema while the bar chart depicts the number of movies that release (live action and animation) during 2005 to 2012. At the first glance, the increase in 3D screens worldwide are marked by the raise of 3D film releases and both of them have an upward trend.

It can be seen clearly that the number of screens especially 3D cinema stood at approximately below 1,000 in the end of 2005 and was going to increase gradually to just over 2,000 in the last 2008. The most interesting fact is that between 2009 and 2011, there was a sharp increase in 3D screens from 5,000 to almost 40,000 and they reached a peak at the end of 2012.

Moreover, the trend of bar graph had a similar trend with the line graph. Animation films in 3D began at 2005 which had 2 films release until 2007. Between 2008 and 2012, the animation started to increase gradually from 5 to just over 20 movies release. On the other hand, 3D live action film became well-known during 2009 to 2012 and these were soaring from 20 to just over 70 respectively.

ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Feb 7, 2017   #2
The details below are the assessment of your essay. Please take a closer look on them.

Task Achievement
- It is quite unfortunate that you haven't written the appropriate overview for the task and therefore, you can only obtain 5 for this part. Grammatical error (it should be in past form) since the overview sentence and 'too general' information by simply stating 'an increase' and 'upward trend' also take a part in dragging down your score. It is also unfortunate that you forgot to mention 'Live action' eventually surpassed 'animation'. This is I think the information that is essential and should be written in the overview/introduction part.

Coherence and Cohesion
- I assume that this part also only get 5.0 because of several reasons. Firstly, your essay lack of a proper overall progression (overview). Secondly, you wrote inaccurate cohesive devices within the paragraph. For instance, when you wrote "it can be seen clearly that...", "the most interesting fact is that...", it was mistakenly wrong. That should be cohesive devices that are appropriate for the overview because you should explain the general trend. There are many possible cohesive devices that are accurate for this. Instead of those, you can simply write 'To begin with,..", "In addition,...", or many other possible cohesive devices except the ones that you have written above.

Overall, assessing 2 parts is already adequate to assume that the overall score for this writing is 5.0 or even lower. It has already represented 50% of the assessment and usually it doesn't fall far away from that range. Try to focus on creating an appropriate overview first to boost your score later on.

Hope this helps :)
Holt - / 7,528 2001  
Feb 7, 2017   #3
Gigih, I believe that there was a better way to write this essay which would have improved your overall scores. That would have been to write a comparison of the information stated within the bar and line graphs. In every paragraph, you could have done a year by year analysis or quarterly analysis of the provided information which would have resulted in a more accurate and interesting comparison report in your summary. By writing the summary in your format, you ended up omitting the proper comparison angle as indicated in the prompt. That is also why your essay ended up being so short when it came to presenting detailed information. When you have two charts provided, it is always best to do a year by year or quarterly comparison of the information so that the reader can obtain the most related information in the most coherent and cohesive manner. I hope that you can implement that writing style in your next practice test that provides 2 types of graph for comparison reporting.

Home / Writing Feedback / BAR & LINE GRAPH - three dimensions on the screens