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The bar - the percentage of Australian working out


bagongcamen 1 / -  
Oct 5, 2019   #1

physical activity in australia



Cambridge IELTS 12 Writing Task 1 Test 1

The bar graph describes the proportion of various age group of Australian which compares men and women who engaged in physical workout regularly in 2010.
Overall, it can be seen that the majority of males in teenager age group had more exercise than the females. However, the number of females aged 25 to over 65 did more physical activity than males group.

Males who aged 15 to 24 committed to more workout with composition 52.8%, then declined steeply to 42.2% and 39.5% respectively in next two older group, aged 25 to 34 and 35 to 44. However since aged 45, the proportion went up gradually to 46.7% for 65 and over aged group.

In contrast, the most active for female group proportion that were aged 45 to 54 which account for 63.3%. Teenager women were less active compared to men aged 15 to 24. Likewise, it can be seen that the number of male and female who were 65 years old and over was nearly the same with 46.7% and 47.1%.

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Help me to check this essay



Maria - / 1,099 389  
Oct 6, 2019   #2
@bagongcamen
Hi, welcome to the forum! I'm going to try my best to give you feedback on this writing. I hope it somehow helps your learning.

Firstly, I think that you overstretch your sentences. What this means is that you have a tendency to create almost seemingly run-on content because you are trying to put everything into one chunk. What I would suggest is opting for smaller and yet more concise patterns of writing. If we take a look at, for example, the second paragraph. You needed to deconstruct those details. Make it as comprehensible as possible for your readers.

Aside from this, the general flow of your content is quite well-done. I commend how the writing was eloquent and put-together. Just focus on downsizing complex writing patterns - and you're good to go!
s410377088 11 / 22 4  
Oct 6, 2019   #3
1. The bar graph "depicts" the percentage of Australian men and women doing regular exercises in 2010. -->your first sentence has a weird use of "which"

2. Males who aged 15 ... 52.8% --> 52.8% of males between 15 to 24 workout.
--> the second paragraph has several grammatic issues( run-on)

Hope you can do well on IELTS!!!


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