Please comment on my essay. Thank you
I could bare feel the scalding handprint on my cheek. I wish I could be in Lily's place, however, what had happened cannot be undone, time will not make an exception to reverse at my expense.
It was a humid day, as an introverted girl, the weather was indeed a torture for me. Strewn around were Kleenex drenched with perspiration, trickling endlessly like water from irreparable faucet. I was at the bus-stop, waiting for Lily to get to library in order to make a perfect school project.
"What the hell is going on with Lily?" I mumbled. I had been suffering the roasting heat of the sun for almost half an hour. I somehow found myself literally thawing by minutes. Sitting with frustration on the bench, I had streamed over 20 songs via my I-pod, my feet rhythmically tapped against the floor, it was getting rapid. I looked around to scout for her silhouette, but she remained hidden.
Fifteen minutes passed, I felt a sudden surge of anger engulf my body to the utmost. I could even felt my brain on fire. I stood up and took a turn to my right, a girl with a face of excellent contour was blinking her bright eyes at me, a wide smile was extended. However, things turned for the worst in second. (Is there any other way to express this?)
Instead of making visible attempt to rake myself in hand, my hand seemed to lose control of its own and without my consent, planted a slap on Lily's face. Acrimony had taken over my intellectual. This was not an angry peevish smack on her cheek but a body twisting crack to the jaw. Leaving behind was the sound of collision that pierced the air.
With a stiffened breath, I gazed at my dearest fellow, witness myself the moment her tears rolling down her cheek, choking with sobs, embracing her injured cheeks in her palm, turning away and left me with the sight of her back fading away. ( I am trying to using single sentence to describe the emotional breakdown that I had witnessed but the sentence just sound funny)
The face of Lily appeared repeatedly in my mind since I came back from the bus-stop. Remorse caused me to lose appetite by the dining table. Tossing and turning on my bed I could not hit the sack. My mind kept rehearsing the words I would say to absolve my guilt. I couldn't wait for the moment to arrive.
Lily I am sorry
I don't think you can use just one sentence to describe the emotional breakdown: With a stiffened breath, I gazed at my dearest fellow, and witnessed myself the moment her tears came rolling down her cheek. She was choking with sobs, embracing her injured cheeks in her palm, turning away and and leaving me with the sight of her back fading away.
I made the verb choices parallel, and added punctuation. I think it's a good story, and you really sit on the edge of your seat, waiting to see what happen! You have a nicely varied vocabulary, too. And even though the story is told in the first person, you vary the sentence structure enough to make it interesting.
Finally, I think you use imagery, to your advantage, excellently.
Good luck!
