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The Beauty of the Mysterious Universe - college essay


calliepj24 2 / 3  
Aug 31, 2017   #1
Help!! My college essay is due tomorrow and I would really like some HARSH FEEDBACK! There are some places where I dont know what to put in it so any suggestions would be gr8. Aside from that I feel like this essay doesnt really have much of /Me/ in it, but i reeallllyy like this topic! DONT BE AFRAID GO HARSH W THE FEEDBACK!

many unanswered questions regarding the universe



I once read a quote by Stephen Hawking that stated, " Look up at the stars and not down at your feet. Try to make sense of what you see, and wonder about what makes the universe exist. Be curious." That night I stepped outside, looked up and saw trillions of stars that glistened like tiny shimmering diamonds everywhere I looked. They illuminated everything in the night giving just enough light to where I could see around me. I had never felt more insignificant in my entire life. So many thoughts and questions all of a sudden came to me. Questions such as: "Is there more to life than earth?", "What is the point of life", "Could there be more life out there?" With the universe being as vast as it is it is highly probable for life to extend beyond earth.

There are so many questions regarding the universe that are unanswered and I am extremely baffled by this. I have always been the type of person to continue to ask a question until that question has a definite answer, but that is technically impossible with these types of questions as they regard the beginning of the universe, which we were not there for. We, as a society, have not a clue as to how the universe came to be. Of course we have theories, but none of them have been proven, they are all just speculations.

Ever since I read that quote by Hawking, I go out every night and gaze upon the stars with all these thoughts continuing to run through my mind. Our world is too complex to have just happened conquinsidentily. For some reason this matters deeply to me. We only see the first layer of our universe and the deeper we go the more beautiful it becomes. When I want to find out something I will usually keep challenging myself, my thoughts, until I get an answer. In school I have a reputation of "the one that asks billions of questions on a daily basis." I usually get the answer to my seemingly infinite amount of questions, but with this question I have not been given an answer. (what do i do with this)

(this paragraph is still a huge work in progress, threw out lots of thoughts in this one) That one quote honestly changed my entire perspective on the universe. I now want to know everything there is to know about my cosmos. It sparked a (something) in my mind that has lead to who I am today. There will always be questions that go unanswered in the field of cosmology and that is one of the most fascinating things to me. Imagine one single water molecule in the vast ocean. That is what the earth is, just one single object in an infinite world. The more I learned about this, the more I wanted to know more. It quickly became all I thought about and I hope to one day discover more secrets about the entirety of the universe.

Holt - / 7,528 2001  
Aug 31, 2017   #2
Callie, the thing is, your essay is not designed to seek out the answer or even hypothesize on a single result stemming from a single event or question. The essay itself lacks a direct connection with one particular discussion. It would be better if you focus solely on the discussion about the earth and its existence instead of suddenly inserting that topic about the kind of person you are known as being in school. That discussion totally threw off the entire essay for me. It created a divergent line of discussion that, since it is divergent, cannot find its way back and as such, affects the overall essay presentation. In my opinion, you need to clarify a number of things:

1. The thesis statement
2. The discussion focus
3. What you hope your final opinion or research result will be based upon facts or personal opinion

Try to explain why you feel that you cannot find an answer to your questions about the universe. As of now, the focus on the quote from Hawking doesn't really do anything else. It just exists but without an actual purpose in the essay. The quote should have led you to some responses or at least suppositions about the universe that would have helped you present your understanding of its beauty and mystery.
OP calliepj24 2 / 3  
Sep 1, 2017   #3
@Holt

I was actually trying to create this essay as a "who I am" type of essay? Its for my college app so I needed something that relates to what kind of person I am. I wanted to say I was the type of person to challenge thoughts, but I went in too many directions? Idk. Its not an essay for a class, its an essay for my college app.


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