Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 5

IELTS-2 : we will become more independent due to the advancement of the world

bearch5 1 / 1  
Jun 9, 2019   #1

We are more dependent on each other or not?

Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

In this prosperous generation, technology is progressing every day that makes our life more wonderful. Some people consider that this advance will make us to rely on each other more frequently, while others don't think so. However, the answer is mainly relies on a variety of factors, so in my opinion, we will become more independently due to the advancement of the world.

Indeed, modern society we live now probably will make us need others help desperately. For example, through the Internet, we can chat with each other conveniently any time no matter where you are, even can make a video call. Therefore, we can get more connection with friends, know more details about them, making us more and more dependent. Once without the advance of the network, people would not be able to play online games, chat on Facetime, and follow their friends on Instagram, resulting in unfamiliar between each other.

However, people who think that technology will make us dependent ignore some factors. People will become more independent because they will go lazy and lose chances to meet people in the real world. People can do anything without stepping out of the door, such as eating at home through ordering pizza, learning the online channel, entertaining through online games or Netflix, and even watching doctor in their home. My roommate, for instance, didn't go out of his door for a week, eating cookies inside his room and using a computer to do anything what he wants.

In conclusion, despite that people have different attitude toward this issue, I believe that the more convenient our life is, the more independent will people be.

Thanks for your help :)

solivagant 8 / 15 6  
Jun 10, 2019   #2
Hi @bearch5
If we depend on Internet in all aspects of our lives, then how is it possible for us to be independent? I think, you have to find stronger reasons in order to support your view. For example,"the internet provides a wide range of opportunities for education and self-improvement. Everyone can have an access to knowledge just by one click, not depending on their social background or financial conditions.This makes us less and less conditioned by our environment." You can also mention the benefit of the technological advances to the people with physical disabilities.
miss19 1 / 3  
Jun 10, 2019   #3

Hi @bearch5, I think your essay is great, but what I've learn that IELTS use formal languages. In addition, to get high score your essay need coherence and cohesion, while yours lack of it. Keep it up!
OP bearch5 1 / 1  
Jun 10, 2019   #4
Thank you very much. Your advice and example are very helpful!!
Thank you ,too. I'll keep that in my mind and work hard on it!
otgon 2 / 3  
Jun 11, 2019   #5
I think sometimes your topic of paragraphs is not connected to your supporting idea.
For example,
Indeed, modern
each other.

You talk about others help in the beginning of paragraph, but you talk about communication between people in next sentences.
I think your topic and supporting idea must be connected.

Hope it will help you.

Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS-2 : we will become more independent due to the advancement of the world