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(IELTS essay) It is becoming more and more difficult to escape the influence of the media


Slim shady 12 / 27  
Mar 24, 2014   #1
Hi everybody!
Please I need brief correction on my essay, and band score if possible! Thanks in advance!

It is becoming more and more difficult to escape the influence of the media on our lives. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of living in a media-rich society.

Nowadays the mass media is getting one of the important thing in our everyday life, it is growing respectively. In fact, it has a lot of pros and cons. In my opinion, the advantages are overweight the drawbacks of it.

First of all, there are many types of media such as TV, the Internet, newspaper, magazines and radio that have a raft of positive sides. For example, the internet which is making people easy to communicate with each other and is making easy to find out any needed information. Moreover, the most common sort of media which is in use daily is television. Indeed, every people utilize TV in any order and it makes the locals be aware of the national and international ongoing news and programs. Secondly, by the influence of mass media in society, people are becoming more aware of other nations' culture and lifestyle. Furthermore, it also affects to the economy of the government because mass media offers an influx of money.

On the other hand, there are some disadvantages of living in a media-rich community. For instance, some of the producers of newspapers and magazines are printing anti-social information which can affect to our overview. The increase in the sphere of media, by the way, cause some information to be unreliable especially on the internet and newspapers. Moreover, by the improvement of international media many other cultures and countries which differ with each other suffer from decrease of their own traditional value, it may cause the escape of the national habits and values.

In conclusion, I want to reiterate that media has much more importance on our lives, especially, such a modernizing world. And it is clear that people should use mass media in a positive way.

eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Mar 24, 2014   #2
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Find and select your essay file on the "-Select Forum-" screen and click on "WRITING FEEDBACK", not Scholarship Essays
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If I were you, I would start analyzing the prompt to see how and what to do, like this:
Statement: It is becoming more and more difficult to escape the influence of the media on our lives.
Task: Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of living in a media-rich society.

Have a look at the intro:

Nowadays the mass media is getting one of the important thing in our everyday life, it is growing respectively. In fact, it has a lot of pros and cons. In my opinion, the advantages are overweight the drawbacks of it.

You need an extra work to paraphrase the intro, by having much consideration for the keywords (see boldface)

there are many types of media such as TV, the Internet, newspaper, magazines and radio

In IELTS this is called 'shopping list", just making list of seperate points. By doing this, the assessors think that your writing is not well-developed.

every people

Write 'every person'. People is used as the plural of 'person'

printing anti-social information which can affect to our overview.

Like what? This should be precise

an influx of money

Write an influx of cash. Influx collocates with money

by the way

Omit this one. You don't need to use 'lazy expressions', especially ones that belong more to oral communication

the improvement of international media many other cultures and countries which differ with each other suffer from decrease of their own traditional value

A lack of clarity in this sentence. Better redo. Then check the grammatical mechanics

We can't give you definitive band scores. If we do, you will put a great deal of trust on us. If we do give you band scores that are not reflected in your eventual IELTS test results. You may well build up unrealistic expectations, and ultimately, disappointment for you. We focus on recommending ways how you can improve your different skills - that is a much more useful way to help you to improve your language ability and therefore, your test results.

Hope this helps :D
SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Mar 24, 2014   #3
I am sorry, shady. I really want to describe the part of my suggestion clearly. Unfortunately, when I want to edit my previous, it cannot change :(. sorry for this inconvenience. And I think eddies, already made a clear brief :D


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