Unanswered [7] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 8


lththom 1 / 2  
Mar 21, 2020   #1
This is the first time that I have writen a text for task 2. I hope to receive advice from everyone of how to express ideas or what new ideas that I can use in addition. Thank you.

The effective ways for entertainment

In modern life, cultural activities help us relax from stress and hard-working hours. Music makes us feel comfortable, and we can learn a lot about history or culture of many parts of the world through songs. Meanwhile, movie makers take inspiration from real life and make them more interesting. In addition, watching movies at theatre brings you interesting experiences: you can smile or cry with strangers. Therefore, going to theatre is also an effective way for entertainment.

In other side, playing sports also have advantages that we can't deny. You can keep fit and improve your health by playing sports such as: swimming, playing football or any other sport activities else. You can improve your teamwork skills, too. Furthermore, paying for sport costs you less than for going to a concert or movie theatre. Therefore, how to spend your time on cultural activities or sport is based on your ability of money and your free time. The best choice is to have a balance of both these activities, because it will help you have not only a healthy body but also a beautiful mind.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,339 3360  
Mar 21, 2020   #2
If you were to pass this essay in the actual test, it would get a failing score. Since you did not write 250 words, the essay will automatically fail to achieve a passing task requirement score and, based on additional errors, the overall score cannot reach the minimum 5 band mark. What you wrote are only 2 reasoning paragraphs. You are missing the prompt restatement as the first paragraph and the reverse paraphrase, which is the closing paragraph. If you had written the missing paragraphs, you probably would have met the minimum word count.

This essay cannot be appropriately scored nor reviewed. It does not reflect your actual writing abilities and, because of the lacking word count, I cannot properly assess all 4 scoring criteria for your essay. As of now, I will consider this a first timer's essay writing exercise. I will wait for your second essay on a different topic that meets the minimum word count. I will review that work instead. Here is a tip, aim to write 275-290 words. You will always receive maximum scoring consideration in all aspects when you write the appropriate number of words, and if you do some self-editing within the 40 minute time allowance.
OP lththom 1 / 2  
Mar 21, 2020   #3
Thank you a lot. I just begin learning to write a essay, so there are some mistakes. Thanks to you, I relised these mistakes. I will try my best to improve my skill and send another post. Hope you can read and help me with my next post.
maitrang95 2 / 2  
Mar 21, 2020   #4
1. You should use " :" instead of using such as, namely
2. You should not write in a short version of a word like cant
ratter 2 / 6 2  
Mar 21, 2020   #5
1. Your essay is not an essay, it is just some paragraphs from your task requires because you do not have the beginning and conclusion, which is the most important parts in an essays

2. I do not think music and films are cultural activities, you should talk clearly what they exactly are.
3. you should have more examples and in each paragraph, do not just show your opinion. It will be less real and ambiguous.
Chung1002 2 / 6  
Mar 21, 2020   #6
In my opinion , it is not contruction of essay writing. You can learn how to write essay correctly. It contains Introduction ----> Body Paragraph ( Body 1 + Body 2 ) ---> Conclusion.
littledinosaur 2 / 4 1  
Mar 22, 2020   #7
Firstly, I'd like to say that if you're required to write an essay in IELTS part, you lack edaquate word-counted.
Secondly,the stucture of the essay should include : introduction, body and conclusion part; therefore, your essay seem illogical.
Thirdly, when you mention entertaining activities or sports that help us relax, you need transitional words such as: for example, as can be observed, etc... and then clarify your points. Please write in the full form of the word, not use "isn't/there's...."

Finally, write your essay in the third subject, not "I" and give neutral viewpoint.
amy_nyk 2 / 2  
Mar 23, 2020   #8
Firstly, you did not write 250 words.
Secondly, it isn't allow to use short form like 'can't'.