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TOEFL - I believe that every businessman should do anything to make a profit


argentum 3 / 9  
Oct 12, 2011   #1
Hello all, I'm gonna have TOEFL in a few days.
I hope you can check this essay and tell me what I need to improve?

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Business should do anything they can to make a profit. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

As the world become more populated, many people have started their own business in order to make both ends meet. Sometimes they even do everything they can to make their business profitable. I believe that every businessman should do anything to make a profit. My reasons and examples listed below will strengthen my point of view.

People have needs such as food, shelter, and education. In order to satisfy them, they have to start their own business and earn more money. For example, I had a teacher who also worked as a vegetable seller. When I asked him why he sold vegetables, he said that he needed money to pay his son's school fees and his salary as a teacher was not sufficient. If he did not earn profit from selling vegetables, I am sure that his son will not be able to get education.

On the other hand, sometimes people obtain money from inappropriate efforts. For example, there was a company in my country that produced dangerous product. They sold cosmetics product that contained mercury which is toxic to our skin. This company used water that was polluted by mercury in order to reduce their expenditure in the production and get more profit. At the end, the consumers knew about this scandal, and pleaded their case in court. As a result, the company went bankrupt and had to pay a lot of money.

To put all in a nutshell, businessmen should do everything to make a profit, but they have to do in a decent way. Ill-gotten wealth would not satisfy anyone as it brings more problems to their lives.

tiandaochouqin 1 / 2  
Oct 12, 2011   #2
As the world become more populated the word can't be populated but the cost of life or something else
My reasons and examples are listed below which will strengthen my point of view.
I think its not about a single sentences but the whole essay. Your arguments are unclear and weak, but that may be more due to the inaccuracy of your English than to any confusion in your thinking.
OP argentum 3 / 9  
Oct 12, 2011   #3
Thank you for your comment.

I agree with you about the word "populated", but I think the sentence "My reasons and examples listed below will strengthen my point of view" has no flaws. I have read many essays with this sentence.

I also agree that my arguments are very weak because honestly, I couldn't think of a reason for this kind of question.

Can you please make more corrections to my essay?
I'm really worried because I will face TOEFL in three days, and I have to get at least 22 in writing.


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