Hello guys. I need help to correct my essay please put comment as much as you can and estimate my score. Tank you so much
Inventors are not as important to society as doctors. to what extent do you agree with statement?
There are so many majors at universities and many activities toward development of technology and improvement of the world. Among them some majors are more important in point of society's view such as medical. However, doctors play an important role in society, they are not very effectiveness on introduction technology. In other words it is agreed that inventors are people who make the world change and easy for living and they are as important as doctors.
Duty of doctors is curing patient people. The serious diseases such as cancer and diabetes and ... requiring new methods and technology and in generally, doctors are not people who invent these new facilities for patients. Actually they use of new technology which are invited by other inventors. So if we look deeply we can understand besides efforts and try of doctors in people's health, inventors have roles in this work.
on the other hand, there is no doubt that what things that cause changing in lifestyle between different generations are new invention not medical advances. Take a world with strong doctors without inventors for example so in this world there is no new technology such as computer, internet, various machine and ... in this case, all generations live the same each other. Even imagination of this world is disaster actually without new invention and technology life will be so bored and meaningless. However it is usual that when a person use an amazing invention doesn't think about it's inventor and in the most of the time may be doesn't know who is it's inventor? and it is exactly difference between doctors and inventors. By the way, I don't believe that this discrepancy makes inventors introverted and secluded as a group of society in compered with doctors.
in sum up, I believe that there is no job or major or expert that be the best in the society. By this I mean for having better world than yesterday all societies need all of people's skills who live in. Not only just doctors and inventors, but also teachers, building's worker, engineers, waiters and other careers.
You have an incomplete introductory statement. Remember, you need to present the topic thesis, possible opinions, and your opinion at the very end. The structure of your first paragraph is therefore incomplete as not all of these elements exist in it. You are being asked to immediately show your agreement or disagreement in the statement by presenting your opinion as part of the introductory statement. Revise the first paragraph to reflect this.
Quite a number of grammatical errors exist in your essay that can and will be corrected as you revise the content. You have not really presented a balanced discussion in your essay. If this is for the TOEFL test then you should practice writing an essay in a 4-5 paragraph format with a minimum of 250 words comprised of 3-5 sentences minimum per paragraph. Your paragraphs should be broken down into the following sections:
1. Introduction - thesis statement, overview of discussion, your opinion
2. Body 1 - Supporting opinion
3. Body 2 - Opposing opinion
4. Body 3 - Your point of view
5. Conclusion - Restated prompt, summary of discussion, repetition of your point of view
Fix the format and content of your essay first. Finalize what you want to say and then we can work on revising the grammatical and sentence structure problems.
