Ooops! You started the sentence in current time reference, then suddenly went into past reference. That is a GRA error. Be consistent with your time reference. You did a very good job in presenting your opinion and opinion reason though. So you saved your TA and C + C score in this case.
be excellent teamwork
Incorrect grammar and word usage affecting your LR and GRA grade.
Corrected: ... but DEVELOP
Finally, charity work
Over discussion. This is only a 4 paragraph essay. This paragraph will no longer help increase your score. Don't worry, no deductions will be applied since it still targets the same discussion point.
The conclusion in a bit incorrectly formatted as it represents a run-on. You are still scored on clarity and cohesiveness in this section so use at least 2 sentences to represent the summarized discussion.
You present a solid understanding of the topic and present convincing reasons. Although there will be some score deductions, you will not fail the test.