It's believed that sharing scientific, technological or academic knowledge freely is beneficial

Please help me with this essay (Writing Task 2 in the Ielts test). Thanks in advance!!

SHARING VALUABLE INFORMATION

Topic: Some people believe that it is good to share as much information as possible in scientific research, business, and the academic world. Others believe that some information is too important and too valuable to be shared freely.

It is often claimed that sharing scientific, technological or academic knowledge freely is beneficial. Nevertheless, I firmly believe that some information should be kept confidential.

On the one hand, it is understandable why there is a belief that information in terms of science, business and technology should be accessible. For one, people will be raised their awareness to enhance their life by getting access to certain scientific researches. The natural ecosystem and people's health have been threatened by great changes in the environment in recent years. For example, the phenomenon of climate change spread widely in our society encourages scientists to carry out geoengineering projects to reduce the effects of global warming on the Earth. In addition, the lack of information in the academic world would be a noticeable obstacle for students to achieve efficiency in their self-learning processes. This is because it is difficult for those to update the newest mainstream related to their major which is excluded in their textbook.

On the other hand, I would maintain that some secret information should be available to a certain extent. For example, if information related to nuclear weapons science falls into wrong hands, it is more likely to trigger exponentially war or terrorist activities. Another reason is that it takes researchers much time and effort to complete their researches, therefore people who want to be accepted to their works are advisable to pay for scientists' endeavors. This can be explained by the fact that researchers do not have funds for their works, hence they are not encouraged to continue to generate science if people do not give them credit by a bit payment.

In conclusion, although both views certainly have some validity, it seems to me that it is better to safeguard the information that is sensitive and valuable to organizations and countries.

The original discussion instruction for this essay is asked you to discuss both points of view and then present a personal opinion. I think you forgot to read the instructions for the prompt to the very end so you missed that part. Had you properly discussed this essay, you would have had a 5 paragraph essay that gave you the opportunity to:

- Present the first public point of view
- Compare the second public point of view with the first public point of view
- Consider both discussions and present your analyzed personal point of view

There will be a need for you to use second person (plural) pronouns for the first 2 sections, then the first person point of view (singular) for the last section. This is a comparative analysis discussion so you have to be clear about whose point of view is being discussed within the paragraphs before you present your opinion/analysis of the topic. An effective personal point of view is based on a strong C/C or A/D discussion presented in the first 2 reasoning paragraphs.

You basically forgot to prove that you have to prove your ability to use the pronoun references for the GRA score throughout the essay.Always remember that the prompt will give you the discussion instructions regarding pronoun usage, topic sentences, and discussion approach. You did not really consider the discussion requirements in this presentation. That is why your discussion is a bit off base and your score will be problematic.

At this point, I would not pay too much attention to the spelling, grammar, and punctuation problems your essay has. I am more concerned about you meeting the discussion format requirements first. The concern I have comes from the fact that the discussion format is a large chunk of your test score. Make a mistake in the presentation, as you did here, and you will struggle to achieve a passing mark.