I'm trying to make my sentences flow smoothly, so give me a score and all your suggestions! my target is 7!! I would appreciate a lot!
ESSAY: What are the benefits of requiring young people to serve the army? Does participation in community work qualify as an alternative?
Nowadays, there are an increasing number of countries require young adults to be trained in the army for at least one year, which has sparked off an intense debate among people. Some people claim that working in communities can replace serving the army.Personally, I disagree with this opinion.
To begin with, this action exerts a positive impact on strengthening and improving the national defense system. Unarguably, every country in the global community is gravely threatened by a series of destabilizing factors such as terrorism, arms proliferation and so forth. Recruiting young individuals into the army can enable them to master the professional and systematic skills of armaments, which is conductive for countries to effectively and sufficiently prepare for those possible crisis and threats.
In addition, this measure contributes to career developments of young individuals. It is simply because that simple and poor living conditions of the army can efficiently shape the characters of those who have already been accustomed with comfortable and cozy lifestyle and make them to become much tougher. Consequently, they are more likely to overcome various hindrances in their careers and to achieve their career successes than ordinary people
Admittedly, young adults not only can gain a variety of practical and transferable skills but also can develop their communication techniques and cooperation abilities by means of undertaking community works. However, all the capabilities and knowledge which are acquired from the army cannot be obtained from community works. Thus, community works cannot serve as an alternative.
To conclude, I concede that participating in community work possesses numerous unparalleled and compelling advantages.Nevertheless, I am still convinced that young adults and the entire society can become the major beneficiaries from this measure.
Hi Su, upon reading your essay, I believe you're not suppose to be concerned with the flow of the essay at all, I must say that the flow of the essay is quiet good it actually follows a certain sequence, a certain logic and this is already properly placed.
Now, what I worry is the verb forms and the way the ideas are coming together in your essay. The thing is, the essay has a good flow but not all the ideas are in sync. Here's what I'm trying to say;
1st paragraph
- Nowadays, there areis an increasing
- whichthis has sparked off an intense
- communities can replace in serving the army.
- UnarguablyHaving said that , every country
- which is conductiveconducive for countries to
The above are just a few corrections that has been made, in order to show you that there is still a few improvements that can be done in your essay and this will bring your essay to greater heights and hopefully strengthen it to its full potential.
Thank you!Justivy! I will correct them and make my essay better!
HI Su, thank you for appreciating our work here on EF, I hope to review you revision soon.
While you're at it, I would like to provide a few reminders that will definitely boost your essay;
- mind the ideas that you input in the essay, make sure that they are relevant and go straight to the point.
- mind the information you provide in the essay, as this matters a lot, you have to be very cautious, as they say, the lesser you talk, the less the mistakes and this is very true in writing too.
- the linking verbs, punctuation marks and verb forms are minor details that most writers miss, the thing is, this is very vital to the construction of your sentences, therefore you have to know where to include them in your sentence.
I wish to review your revision soon, keep writing and read a lot, this is the only form of practice that will give you two things, increase your vocabulary and will let you see a lot of different writing skills from different writers. I hope this insights help. Keep writing.
