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Besides the economy, there are many types of progress worth our attention as well.

Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal. Some people, however, think that other types of progress are equally important for a country..

economy vs social issues?

Nowadays, economy seems to be the most important topic since it involves in very widespread aspects, especially the living standards. But some people state that besides the economy, there are many types of progress worth our attention as well. In my opinion, I believe that all the development are equal important.

Economy is a basic index which how people judge a government. Meanwhile, it is also a symbol of the power of a country. In terms of the salary structure, the minimum wage and the price level, these factors have severe impact on every citizens. That is why the first priority for a government is always the economic progress. For example, it can be easily observed that the economic growth rate in Japan is under 1 % for a long time. The key point of President Abe won the election was he claimed he can revive Japan's weak economic situation.

On the other hand, are others terms of social issues less significant? The answer is no. I believe that a wealth society doesn't represent a well developed country. In addition to the economic progress, the social welfare, the environmental crisis and the education of the young generation are also worthy to notice. These kinds of subjects are valuable because they are closely integrated with people.

In conclusion, I trust a government which awares the economy is not the only beneficial way to its people can create a better future. A future with balanced cares and resources of people's livelihood

Hey Arlen, if your thesis statement claims that all kinds of development are equally important, you should explain why. What you did in this essay was writing a whole paragraph on how economics are important, and in the next paragraph saying the others are important as well, but without reasons.

These kinds of subjects are valuable because they are closely integrated with people.

One sentence alone like this is not enough.
In the next draft, maybe try using one paragraph to elaborate on how all types of development are connected to each other, and another paragraph to list the negative effects of focusing solely on the economy?
You didn't paraphrase the question properly. Of course, it is optional - but it would have been good to do that.

In your 2 paragraph, your ideas are very chaotic - you haven't developed your main point - which should be why the economic is imperative for governments. I got the point from your example, but again it is not clear enough. It is imperative to state your position and develop it.

Your 3 paragraph is OK, but it will be better to restructure it.

Overall, I think you have to better support your main points. You support the second view "other types of progress are equally important for a country." - It was not clear WHY do you support it. There were not enough examples and I could have developed your ideas better.
Thanks for your correction and I have a question that whether to have an example in essay is good or not?
Since the examples can make the reader catch your point quickly, it seems fine. However, sometimes the examples might let people think you loss focus.

I am quite confused about this.
  Closed ✓

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