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Who am I? 'do my best and let my God do the rest' - homework task


Ischa 1 / 3  
Sep 30, 2014   #1
Who am i? I am Ischa Cynthia Margareth Sitio. I was born in Balikpapan, April 12th 1994. I do love my family. They are my true inspiration and motivation. They are the reason why I love doing all of my activities. i am the oldest and have a little sister, that's why i always try to be the best & success, so i can be a model for my little, make my parents be proud of me and honor deeply my God. since in senior high school, i am interested in industrial engineering because of my father. I do want my life be better than my parents. My father always teaches me on being a creative one. A creative one is someone who doing something directly without command from the others. So, I learned to be sensitive when I see something that can be done directly by myself. I also learned to be a diligent people from my father. I always try to do something maximally. I am grateful being a part of industrial engineering 2012. I study at Brawijaya University in Malang now. In Malang, I grew up to be a different person. I think I am being mature in this small city. I meet a lot new people with their own attitude dan behavior. It makes me think to face people when I meet them. So lucky, because I met a good community in church. This is how God works wonderfully to me. God process me by this community. By this community, I learned how to be a good leader. In my point of view, a good leader is someone who do the things first before he/ she command the other. So I would like to practice it when I become a leader. Second, I learned time management. I think it's so important as an industrial engineering student knows how to manage their own time. Everyone has the same time 24 hours everyday, but not at all who use their time wisely. Being productive or not is their own choise. Being late or not is also their own choice. By this case, I push myself not to be late when I want to attend everywhere. Being on time is not easy, because we have to try doing everything the best. Third, I learned how to be an honest person. Because when we are not an honest person, we will difficult to be accepted in the community or wherever we are. That's why I always try to do everything by myself. For example, when I face the examination, I try not to cheat, do my best and let my God do the rest.

AznInvazon - / 1 1  
Sep 30, 2014   #2
Correct me anyway you see fit but I will edit what you have as if I had written the paragraph but still maintain your identity.

Who am I? I am Ischa Cynthia Margareth Sitio. I was born in Balikpapan, Indonesia on April 12th, 1994. I love my family because they are my true inspiration and motivation. They are the reason why I love doing all of my activities. I am the eldest child with a little sister, so it is important to be the best role model and succeed. It is also important for my parents to be proud of me and I deeply honor my God. When I was in high school, I was interested in industrial engineering because of my father. I want my life to be better than my parents so I try to be creative. My father has always taught me how to be creative by listening to myself instead of others so I learned how to be sensitive when I see something that can be done by myself. I have also learned to be a diligent person. In this small city, I meet a lot of new people with their own personalities. I am lucky because I am part of a good community in church. I believe this is how God blessed me with good fortune. In this community, I learned how to be a good leader. I think a good leader is someone who does things first before asking other people to try. In order to become a good leader, I will try to practice that belief. In addition to learning how to be a good leader, I have learned time management. As an industrial engineering student, it is important that I know how to manage my time wisely by being productive. Proving my point, I push myself to not be late when I want to attend something. Being on time is difficult because we all have our personal busy lives and life is not easy. I have also learned how to be an honest person. I believe honestly is important because being honest means being accepted in my community. That is why I always try to do things myself. For example, when I face the examination, I try not to cheat, I do my best, and I let God do the rest.

Although I tweaked some sentences to continue the flow of the paragraph, feel free to adjust them any way you like.
vangiespen - / 4,140 1449  
Oct 1, 2014   #3
Who am i?

- Isha, is this the essay prompt? Are you supposed to present a generalized discussion about yourself? Is there a word limit? The reason I ask is because your essay is extremely short and bunches topics which should be separate paragraphs into a single paragraph. Such a format is not professional and shows a lack of academic level writing skills. Please let us know what your parameters were for this essay so that we can help you format and develop your ideas further.

I feel that I have to refrain from commenting about your grammar mistakes and sentence problems until we have sorted out the requirements of your essay. That way we can limit the number of revisions that you have to do. Correcting those errors at this point, without knowing what the admission officer expects to read and how long it should be, would be a futile exercise. Once we know the requirements of the essay, we may ask you to change or develop the content either to develop or lessen the concentration on certain topics.

Please let us know the instructions for your essay soon so that we can properly review and advise you regarding the grammar, writing, and content of the paper. Thanks :-)
OP Ischa 1 / 3  
Oct 1, 2014   #4
it is just a homework from my teacher. He said "write down about who am i". so i just try to write them freely. would you like to teach me the correct one? thank you so much
vangiespen - / 4,140 1449  
Oct 1, 2014   #5
Ischa, here is a piece of advice that I believe you will benefit from due to the way that your essay is currently structured. Your essay is currently suffering from cluttered thoughts. You need to learn to divide the essay into paragraphs. Each paragraph will deal with a specific topic for discussion. A normal essay will be composed of at least 3-5 paragraphs containing 3-5 sentences (minimum) each.

With every topic that you assign to a paragraph, you can completely develop your thoughts and explain what it is you want to say about that topic. Currently, your essay has under developed topics because you compiled all of your topics and thoughts into one paragraph. That makes the essay hard to read and directionless in the eyes of the reader. You lose the interest of your reader the minute you suddenly changed topics from being an eldest child then industrial engineering, Then without warning, you switched back to a discussion about your father. All of that switching around makes the reader lose his place and destroys the flow of thought and conversation that the reader is forming in his mind. This can have a very severe effect on the final grade of your paper.

At this point, your essay does not even have an effective conclusion that could give us a solid idea of who you really are. I can tell that you are excited about being able to talk about yourself in written form. So don't lose heart. All essays undergo at least 3 revisions (for the simple ones like these) before the paper is finally ready to be submitted. If you can follow the instructions I gave you and re-post the essay in the new format here, I am confident that we can all chip in and help you clean up the paper so that you can be confident that the paper represents you very well upon submission to your professor :-)


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